WTFH

*click*

Valentine: --y, I almost forgot; I got something for you, Turtle.

Turtle: Oh, yeah? What is--

*thunk*

...

...

Turtle: Val!

Valentine: What? I found it at work today, and I thought you could use one.

Turtle: Val! That's gross! You don't just get people those things!

Valentine: You don't? Oh, okay, I'll just take it back the--

Turtle: --BUT. It's rude to turn down gifts, so thank you, Val, even if it's totally weird and inappropriate. At least you did it before we went on ai--

Hey, the light's already on! How long has...

...

Good evening, Fandom! Welcome to WTFH Radio, where you did not hear any of that conversation that just happened. In fact, you're just tuning in now and we're just going to get right to the notes. All the news that's fit to broadcast for today, Friday the Tenth of July, Two-Thousand and Nine.

Put that away, Valentine.

Valentine: We're on radio, Turtle. It's not like they can see that it's contoured and pink with five speed se--

Turtle: SHHHHH.

( Because sometimes you just can't refuse structuring a broadcast around a....personal massager. )

Turtle: Why do you even think stuff like that?

Valentine: Maybe one of your employees is thinking that about their bosses, Turtle.

Turtle: ...You are not allowed to talk anymore. Which is good. Notes are done. There's all the news for today.

Valentine: Now Turtle can go and try out her present.

Turtle: NO MORE TALKING, VALENTINE WIGGIN. We're in the cabins, anyway, there's about a gazillion people around.

Valentine: But if there weren't, you would?

Turtle: I didn't say that! Shut up. Stop grossing people out more with your sick mind, Val, goodnight, and have a prosperous tomorrow.

*click*

Turtle: Good evening, Fellow Fandomites, and you're listening to WTFH radio on this Friday, June 19t, with Turtle Wexler and Valentine Wiggin here to bring you all the news of the day!

Valentine: You seem to be in a good mood tonight.

Turtle: It's Friday and nothing really big or weird happened again!

Valentine: You're very easy to please, aren't you, Turtle?

Turtle: Sometimes! I mean, it's the first day of RockCon!, but that just means we can extend a warm welcome out to our guests! Welcome, RockCon guests! Remember, if you find yourself needing anything, the best place on the island to get it is Turtle & Canary!

Valentine: What about drugs and whores?

Turtle: Val!

Valentine: I'm just saying. It's a convention for rock stars and musicians. They like drugs and whores, I hear.

Turtle: Well, they'll have to get those somewhere else. Let's get to the news. No one wants to hear about drugs and whores...

...don't look at me like that, Val. They don't. I hope.

( Talking about Drugs and Whores. )

Valentine: And there you have it. Here's to hoping that everyone discussed in this broadcast is pleased with how they were represented and, if not, then take it out on Turtle.

Turtle: Hey! No! Take it out on the squirrels! Or at least bribe them for next time with better rum.

Valentine: Or drugs and whores. Good night...

Turtle: ...and have a prosperous tomorrow! No drugs and whores!

Turtle: Good evening, fellow Fandomites! And an especially big greeting to all our new students and teachers! There sure are a lot of you, and I tried to meet most of you, but to those I missed, hi! I'm Turtle Wexler, and hopefully someone's told you about radio and that's why you're listening! I'm here to report to you all the day's events, the interesting and the uninteresting, as provided by the island's intrepid, drunken squirrels.

Valentine: Very drunken, by the looks of it.

Turtle: Oh, yeah! And, everyone, meet Valentine Wiggin. She's new here, but we got to talking about radio, and she was very curious about it, so she'll be joining me today.

Valentine: Hi. I'm just a little fascinated that you have squirrels that collect the news of what happened during the day, and then someone actually reads it off for everyone to hear.

Turtle: You catch on quick, Val. You'll be a natural at this! But let us not waste time, and let us get to the part you really want: the news!


( Turtlentine Radio? Valenurtle? Wigler? )

Turtle:And there you have it! That's today's news! Be sure to tune in all these next few weeks; it's about the time for radio auditions, and you'll want to vote for the best! Remember, a vote for Turtle Wexler is never a vote wasted! Good night and have a prosperous tomorrow!

Turtle: Good evening, fellow Fando--

Trip: I wanna say it!

Turtle: No, I always say it. Today's no exception, and you three are just going to sit there quietly while...ugh, Mommy here works, okay? Maybe I'll let you guys read some notes if you're good. But I do the greeting and the closing, got it?

Alice: Sure, Mom.

Sandy: Yes, Mother.

Trip: OKAY!

Turtle: Right. Let's try this again. Good evening, fellow Fandomites; it's Turtle Wexler here with you on WTFH radio, along with three children that I'd rather prefer not thinking about existing for at least another thirteen years. Let me also add that, all next week, contraceptives will be on sale at Turtle & Canary; just have Apu help you because I don't need to deal with that stuff.

Use protection, or else... *significant silence, followed by one giggle, a groan, and a facepalm*

Exactly. I knew I should have gone home for Easter this year. Let's get to the news.

( Children Children, Everywhere... )

Turtle: And that's all the news and it's way past your guys' bedtimes. Good night and--

Trip, Alice & Sandy: --have a prosperous tomorrow!

Turtle: HEY! What did I say about the clos-- No, Trip, don't touch tha--

*click*

Good evening, fellow Fandomites! Good to have you all tuned in once more to WTFH Radio, listening to your weekly Sunday broadcast by moi! Turtle Wexler! Who is happy to report once more on a Sunday that's nice and quiet and not filled with weird.

Well, not too much weird, anyway. This is Fandom.

( Clever Radio Text Goes Here. )

That's all the news for the evening! Thanks for listening! Good night and have a prosperous tomorrow!

Good evening, Fellow Fandomites! My name is Turtle Wexler, and I am up waaaaay past my bedtime, but it is okay, because I am reading the news like a very professional person. And there are lots of notes, so it's a good thing I'm good at reading. I practiced lots with my daddy's Wall Street Journal, and that has some really hard words in it, so this should be a snap! Plus, there are squirrels. They are cute. Especially since I don't think they're the disease carrying kind. My mommy says anything smaller than a cat can carry horrible diseases and that's why we can't have a pet rat. My mommy's a mean person like that.

But time to read and report, all professionally! Here we go! AHEM.

( Wee Wexler Wadio )

*GREAT BIT YAWN* And that's the end of it! It's definitely bedtime, but thank you for listening! Good night and have a pros'prus tomorrow!

Goooood evening, fellow Fandomites, and welcome back to the island! Back to the old grind, unfortunately, but the week off was definitely worth it! This is Turtle Wexler, as usual, with you on this Sunday Homecoming to share all the news about leaving port and settling back in after a glorious spring break.

Also, today's the first day of March! March is the best month, you know. I was born in it. Yay March!

But now...the news!

( Bring Back the Boat Broadcast )

And there you have it! All your news for your first day back and the first day of March. But even though those two are now directly connected, remember that March is awesome. Especially March 24th. Very good day, that one!

Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow!

Good evening, fellow Fandomites! I can't even express to you how glad I am to say that, yes, this actually is Turtle Wexler reporting again for WTFH radio, and, no, not some flighty other person that will speak of nothing more than her marriage. Because I don't even want to get married until I at least have a career. Just so we're clear on that.

Now let's get to the news!


( Short and Sweet and Weird Older People Flirting )

And that's all, thank goodness! A nice quiet night after the craziness of last week! Good night, Fandom, and have a pleasant tomorrow!

Good evening, fellow Fandomites! I hope you've all had a good Superbowl Sunday! If you did or if you didn't, we're about to find out, though, because it's time for the news! Brought to you tonight by the one, the only Turtle Wexler! Let's get it going!


( The taste of her cherry ChapStik... )

Finally, that's all the notes. Seriously, you guys? Parties on Sunday? There's school tomorrow!

All and all, though, I've got to admit. Those weren't too bad to report on. Good night, Fandom, and have a prosperous tomorrow!

Good evening, Fellow Fandomites! It's a new semester, and it's a Friday, so you're getting an earful of Turtle Wexler Radio, guaranteed to be informative and entertaining! It's also practically an institution around here, so remember that when it comes to voting for broadcasters! But you certainly don't want to sit there and listen to me trying to promote myself all evening! You want to hear exciting news and juicy gossip, so I'll let the broadcast promote me instead. Let's go!

( Every time Turtle loses an election, a fairy loses its wings. Tru fax. )

And there's your news! It's been a joy reporting on all your going-ons, and remember! A vote for Turtle is always a vote for professionalism and experience! Good night, and have a prosperous tomorrow!

Turtle: Good evening, Fellow Fandomites, and happy holidays! You're listening, as usual, to Turtle Wexler Friday Nights, but there's something very special about this particular Friday night. I've got a guest! Say hi to everyone, guest.

Jeff: *distant voice that sounds like he's miles away from the camera* ...hi everyone. It's radio!

Turtle: *whispers* Closer to the mic, Jeff. It doesn't bite, remember?

Jeff: *still distant* I've still got allergies, Turtle!

Turtle: *long pause* Right. The allergies. How could I forget. Well, you do remember how to read the notes, right, Jeff?

Jeff: I can read them from here. If I squint a bit. Did that say 'squirrel mousse'?

Turtle: *sigh* I'll start.

( Return of Turtle/Jeff Radio! )

Jeff: Can you please make them stop? *thwok* OW! *thwok* *thwok thwok*

Turtle: HEY SQUIRRELS, QUIT IT. You know, the notes are done, Jeff, we could just leave.

Jeff: I'm never doing this again! *thwok* I knew I shouldn't have left the dorms on a bank holiday! *scrambles*

Turtle: ...come on, Jeff! Good night, Fandom, and have a prosperous tomorrow!

Good evening, fellow Fandomites! It's Friday night, which means it's Turtle Radio here on WTFH radio. And speaking of WTF, did you see the snow today? Sugar! And me recovering from a hellish toothache. The world, she is not fair, I tell you. But at least I'm well enough that I won't be sneezing into the mic ever five second.

Of course, I'm sure the DayQuil is helping, too.

Anyway! Onto the news!

( Neeeaaaaar, Faaaaaaaar, Where EVER Squirrels Aaaare! )

And that's all the news for tonight! I'm off to chug some NyQuil like my mun and hopefully feel much better in the morning! Good night and have a prosperous tomorrow!

Good evening, fellow Fandomites! Welcome to Friday Night Radio on WTFH, with your host, T.R. Wexler! I hope you all had a very good Thanksgiving, even if the majority of you aren't probably even American, in the strictest sense of the word, but who cares? Food! I'm proud to report that mine was a success, with only a small percentage of Jeff-related incidents, but I'm sure as heck glad to be back out here and not in Wisconsin anymore.

Anyway, let's get to the news!

( Post Turkey Radio! )

And that's all the news for today! Thanks for listening; I'm still super sleepy from turkey, so good night and have a prosperous tomorrow!

Good evening, fellow Fandomites! I hope you've all had a great evening! This is T.R. Wexler, back on the air for WTFH on this Friday, November the Fourteenth! I apologize for sticking you with the face-spitter last week, but, hello! Wedding! Willow and Peter! Castles and talking animals! But I'm back now, to read the news and here we go!

( Short and Sweet...well, Short for Turtle )

And that's the end of the news! Good night, Fandom, and have a prosperous tomorrow!

Good evening, Fellow Fandomites, Parents, Siblings, and other such guests! You're listening to WTFH Radio, and my name is Turtle Wexler, here to bring you all the news on this very busy Friday, October 24th! If you're a guest and you're listening, welcome to the island! We hope you enjoy your stay; it's good to have you with us, even if it's just for the....weekend.

But, anyway, news! There's a lot of it, but I'm thankfully not drunk this time, so let's just get to it!

( OMFG PARENTS )

I told you there were a lot, but it wasn't as bad as homecoming, yeesh! But I was also drunk then, and I'm not drunk now. That probably makes a difference.

But that is the end of them! Wish me luck on getting back into my room with that barricade up. Good night, and have a prosperous tomorrow! Remember, guys, this is only a weekend, and it'll be over!

Welcome to WTFH Radio: Homecomin' Edition! *hic* It was a wonderful homecoming, wasn't it? And such good punch! I had lots of it. I brought some for the squirrels, too. Here you go, squirrels! *hic*

Let's get to the news.

( More evidence on why Turtle should stay away from 'punch.' And why certain princes should stay away from Turtle and squirrels. )

[[ Continued in Part II. Yes. Part II ]]

Yaaaaar! Good evenin', maties, it's Friday, September the Nineteenth, aaarrrg. It be an important date, ye landlubbers, fer me to be talkin' like a pirate 'cuz not only be it pirate radio, but it also be talk like a pirate day, yaaaar! It'd be a crime if'n I didn't respect that! I'd have to be walkin' the plank! An' I don't wanna, so I be readin' the news all proper pirate talkin' like, yaaar.

I be Turtle Wexler, an' I don't always be talkin' like this. I wanna thank all of ye scalliwags who voted for me to be here on the pirate radio, arrg, and wanna take a moment to hope ye all extend yer votes to the upcoming Student Council elections, yaaaaar. I be a good and honest and trustworthy candidate for Junior Representative with plenty'o'experience and determination. I'll bet on me own eyepatch, yaaar!

*clears her throat a moment*

Seriously, look how dedicated I am to radio, I'm talking like a freaking pirate. Imagine what I'll do for the student government if I'm willing to do this for just a simple radio show.

*clears throat again*

YAAAR. But any vote be a good vote so long as ye do vote, so...don't forget to vote! Yar!

But now, it be time for the news, ye rum-swiggin' mateys!

( Did you see the pirate doing piercings at the mall? Yeah, he was charging a buck an ear! )

That be all the notes for today and today's tournament, but thar be sure to be some more tomorrow, although thar might be a sore lackin' o' pirate talk. After tonight, though, ye might be glad for that.


Thank ye all for voting for me for radio! I hope ye all who be juniors do the same for student government! Good night and be havin' a prosperous tomorrow!

...don't care, I want them out of here. They have no--

*thunk* Okay, it's one thing when squirrels throw acorns, I don't need to deal with sku--

*whoosh* HA! That one missed, you stupid smelly skunk. Nice aim, maybe if you ju--

*THUNK* Oh, sure, squirrel, defend the skunk. You're only doing that because you're a total drunken lush yourse-- Hey! Why is the red recording light on? We're not starting ye-- Oh, you stupid little skunk, that is not funny! It's not time ye-- OUT! Get out! Now, now...Oh crap! Don't you dare lift that ta--

*scramble; clattering; thunking. Screeching mike, click*

*at least ten minutes of dead air*

AHEM...

Excuse me. Sorry, folks, technical difficulties. Let me just say for the record that it's a good thing that drunk skunks have poor aim. The skunks have been properly escavated from the studio, and now I can get on with my radio. So let's do this. *clear throat*

Good evening, Fellow Fandomites! It's Friday, September Fifth, and I'm Turtle Wexler, bringing you all the news that's fit to be broadcast and hoping that I'll have your vote come radio elections. As some of you know, I take my radio very seriously and hope to continue to serve the news community with the same journalist integrity that has been serving you for well over a year now! But I'll stop preaching about the importance of voting your voice for the right voice! Let's get to the news! There's lots of it!

( Skunk Free Radio! )

...Did I just say totes?

Oh, God, I just said totes.

I think when you say totes, it's time to end the broadcast, which is good because I'm not feeling too well. I just hope I don't ralph like some of those skunks did, ugh. Anyway, thank you so much for listening, Fandom! Remember that a vote Wexler is always a vote that counts! Good night, and have a prosperous tomorrow!


[[ you have no idea how envious of Turtle and her booze right now *cough* ]]

Good evening, fellow Fandomites! Man, it seems like forever since I've said that! I guess that can happen when you're stuck as a turtle, but that Adah girl did a...um, well. It was nice of her to cover, that's all I'll say.
In the important news, Jeff? Is still a rock and hidden in a bag where no one can see him, safely beside me at the studio here because, trust me. Not something you want to randomly happen across, thinking, "Oh, a bag. I wonder what could--OH GOOD LORD WHAT IS THAT? I CANNOT UNSEE IT!!!"

That's bad.


What's not bad, though, is news. So let's get to it.

( Because everyone missed Turtle, ADMIT IT. )

Oh! And good night, Fandom, and have a prosperous tomorrow.

I...wonder if I might. *COUGH*

*click*


[[ We're drunk. Well, I know I am; I can't speak for my amazing guest tonight, but I can touch her if I wanna. Mwa ha ha. ]]

Good evening, fellow Fandomites! It's Friday evening, and that means just one thing: Turtle Wexler on WTFH! It's been a pretty straight-laced day, so the broadcast is pretty much the same, but that's what you can expect here. Nothing but the news, because the news is...

( Serious Business )

And there's the end of my notes! Thanks for listening! Good night, and have a prosperous tomorrow!

Good evening, fellow Fandomites! It's Turtle Wexler here on WTFH Radio, here to bring you all of today's notable...and sometimes not so notable news! There's a lot of notes thanks to that party we had, so I'm going to get straight to things, because Radio?

( Iz Srs Bizness )

And that is the end of my notes, finally! I'm going to settle in with a nice Squishy and call it an evening. Good night, and have a prosperous tomorrow!

Good evening, fellow Fandomi--

*THUNK; sudden blaring music, and excited chittering*

*loudly* HEY! OI! Quit that out! I'm trying to do a broadcast here! Yes, the dancing lemurs were cool, but, one, you're not lemurs and two, I'm trying to work he--

*music cuts out* Thank you. Seriously, just drop off your notes and go back if you want. Or pretend there's music, because I have to talk. Okay, right. Where was I? Right. Good evening, fellow Fandomites! It's Turtle Wexler, as always, here to bring you the news on this lovely June twen--

*blaring music*

( That's right... )

I've reached the end of my notes, and just in the nick of time because the squirrels just found the co--

**sudden music*

YOU ARE EVIL! EVIL! I'm getting out of here. Good night! And have a prosperous tomorrow!