WTFH

Squirrels! Hey, my old radio buddies! You guys know exactly what I want in exchange for bein' here at the asscrack of dawn, I hope.

*Sloshy!*

That's right. S'how I know I'm appreciated around here. Yo, island! This is Reno! This - *chittering* - is a pack of squirrels, and this - *sloshy* - is my very own bottle of rum. And together, we're all gonna bring you yesterday's news.

C'mon, you know you missed it, yo.

Over at the School, Kitty's Technology and You class had a question and answer period and a movie day, because really, finals are next week and who the hell wants to cover something new the week before finals anyway, right? Not me, anyway. I took my Public Service class to the ruins of an old church to check out the flowers growin' there. Next week, we might, I dunno, party or somethin'. It's hard to give a final exam on 'we built a water pipeline and filtration system all semester,' yo.

In the Dorms,, Isabelle was readin' fashion magazines in her room, as ya do. I gotta say, fashion gets way simpler when you wear the same damn thing all the time, though. Flick was doin' laps in the gym later on when Isabelle showed up there, destroyed a practice dummy with her whip, and, you know, didn't talk to Flick the whole time. I'm sensin' some tension here. Just me? Tension? Anyway, we actually got a proper salle for usin' weapons in, Isabelle, if you don't wanna run into what I'm guessin' is your ex next time.

And then, finally, there's Town, where Hatter was talkin' to himself while readin' a newspaper, probably because it makes him look important over at Cafe Fina. Tino was a bit nervous about Kenzi's choice in songs over at Caritas,, which actually sounds like fun and I might have to try it sometime. Allie turned into a vampire bat out in the preserve, which, hey, shitty luck, but at least you're a vampire bat outs- right. It's cold as balls out there. takin' that back, then, yo.

And that's everything I got to report, because I don't think 'there were some flickering lights from time to time over on Ingvar' really counts as news so much as a shitty electrical job, so I'm gonna call it a morning and, I dunno, go pretend to actually be an education professional over in my office for a few hours or something, yo. This is Reno, signin' off.

Yo, Fandom! Reno here, tellin' you if you ain't looked out the window yet, I suggest you go ahead an' do that right now, yo. I mean that. Look out your window, if you got a view past the water. I'll wait.

*There's a break while the Jeopardy thinking song plays.*

How messed up is that? Am I right? It ain't just me, that place we stopped in now is more black an' white than a penguin in the dark? I mean, shit, I'd almost fit in 'cause of the suit, but the hair kinda throws that off, yo.

After the broadcast, I'm headin' across the causeway with a few cans of spraypaint, yo. Totally plannin' on messin' with the locals by makin' all the fire hydrants bright blue or somethin'.

Anyhow, I got a few notes in my hands, and I'm gonna get this over with so that I can get to that, yo. Startin' with the school, because Bod is just the kinda kid to open up the library on a weekend, yo. All was quiet in there except for the book-stealin' raccoon, who was livin' in black an' white before the island thought it was cool. Hipster raccoon, yo.

In the fifth floor common room, Bod was eatin' Thai food an' talkin' to himself. I guess there was some sad shit on TV, huh? I ain't really usually the TV-watchin' sort, so I missed it. Went to Disneyland instead. This island would be way less friggin' miserable sometimes if we all just up an' went to Disneyland when the TV programming sucks, yo. I think Kate would probably agree, since she was talkin' to Bod about how the commercials made her cry, yo.

Daaamn.

In town, Hermerner-inny was cleanin' house to the background noise of, you guessed it, the saddest television programming Fandom's ever tried to throw at us. So she asked her cat for permission to get another one, yo. See, if Crookshanks is anything like Rikku's cat Petey, he probably just bonked her hand with his head. Maybe drooled a little, yo.

At the Devil's Nest, Bo had to put up with mouse ears on her corset, yo. You know, I don't think I remember seein' somethin' like that at the park yesterday. And I was lookin', even. At the Gig, Dani was hittin' total breakdown mode around the horses. I could blame the TV, but it's more fun to say she suffered some kinda deep-rooted horse-related trauma in her youth, and it's just now comin' out to stare her down, yo.

At Fixer-Uppers, Topher was watchin' TV on his laptop. Ain't none of you people ever heard of a radio? It plays music? Don't even show you pictures of mangy dogs an' abused horses an' frogs an' platypi, even. You should all think about gettin' one in your lives for more'n just the news. I bet Hercules agrees, even. He capped off the day with a rousin' song under his tree with his friggin' lyre. Because that's how tough guys deal with sad pandas, folks.

Lyres. Get one.

An' then get some blue paint and come help me screw with people's heads. It's good for you, yo.

Yo, Fandom! Reno here on another where-the-hell-are-we-now kinda morning in Fandom, takin' advantage of the deccent weather by sittin' here in shorts and sippin' on rum. Squirrels did a bit of laughin' at the sight of me in shorts, but, what the hell. It don't feel like we're stranded in a blizzard in Icicle back home, so I'm gonna show off my skinny white chicken legs, yo.

I'd tell you to deal with it, but this is radio, so if you're complainin'? You're the one with issues, not me.

( The Ginger News! )

Reno: Yo, Fandom! Welcome to another fun-filled Sunday mornin’ broadcast with your two teachers in red! Sanity: optional. An’ kinda overrated, yo.

Deadpool: Hey now, I’m just aware on a different plane. It’s perfectly rational!

Reno: Oh, that’s what they’re callin’ it now?

Deadpool: Plus, I’m freakin’ everywhere these days. Post-modern antihero and all that jazz.

Reno: I always pick up so much useful vocabulary when we do these radio shows together, man. Is there some kinda convenient word for “assload of notes fobbed off on us by drunk rodents?”

( Radio! Now with VOCABULARY. )

Poromon: I don’t know if we should be in here, Janice!

Paddington: Excuse me, pardon me, but I was told that there would be marmalade here. Or, rather, I was offered something in a tall bottle, but it smelled a little odd, and so I requested marmalade instead. *pause* Hello!

Jan: Eeee! Bear! You’re mine now.

Poromon: Run while you caaaaan...

Paddington: Run? Why should I be doing tha-- Oh dear.

Jan: Miiiiiiine.

( A Little Girl, A Pink Bird-Ball, and a Bear in a Duffel Coat Walk Into The Radio Station... )

Reno: Okay, I’m up. I’m awake. I’m here. You can untie the bottle of rum from the stick now an’ stop wavin’ it in front of my face, squirrels. I get the point, yo.

Deadpool: Awww, they caught you too! Sneaky little bastards.

Reno: We sure they’re squirrels? They’re kinda like little extra fuzzy rats when they get like this, ain’t they?

Deadpool: No, no. Rats will eat you. Squirrels are civilized about kidnapping you for their nefarious goals.

Reno: By playin’... what’s the Earth equivalent of a Chocobo with Gysahl greens? Horse and carrot? Horse an’ friggin’ carrot. With rum. *Sloshy* Congrats, rodents. It works.

Deadpool: They’re evolving. Pretty soon it’ll be Planet of the Squirrels.

Reno: So long as there’s rum, I, for one, am plannin’ on welcoming our new squirrely overlords. Also, my girlfriend’s got a cat. So I’m more or less safe, I think.

( This was an awesome idea. Not a bad one. )

Reno: Hah! I knew it! You little furry buggers couldn't last a year without wantin' my ass back in here for more broadcasts, could you?

*chittering*

Reno: And you brought me my favorite rum! Aw, I missed you too, you little rodent freaks. See, all I'm missin' now is a bitchy blonde to read the notes with, and I'll be all set, yo.

*door slams open*

Ino: Seriously? No, seriously? Stop waving the rum at me, I get it. You think I don't know what this means--Reno?

Reno: ... You ain't Jenny, but you'll do! You like rum, Rookie?

( Reno and Rookie Radio! )

Jenny: Good evening, Fandom citizens! I'm Jenny, he's Reno, this is Booze n' News, and you have just over twenty-four hours left to get me something nice for my birthday.

Reno: ... Aw, crap. I just got back from a week in a perpetual thunderstorm. Didn't get you nothin', Jenny. How you feel about large riding chickens?

( WARK. Er. Radio! )

Jenny: Hello, Fandom Island! I'm Jenny, he's Reno, this *sloshy* is booze, soon will be the news, and I hope we find you well on this fine evening, and if not well, at least drunk.

Reno: For some of you people out there, drunk seems like it might be lookin' better and better, but I digress. Already. I think. Is the 'witty banter' portion of the broadcast too early to be considered digressin'?

Jenny: Buggered if I know.

Reno: Well, I'm gonna digress anyhow. Just because if's a fun word. And if our listeners on the island don't like it, they can read their own news. Yeah.

( Booze and News! )

Reno: Yo, Fandom! The faucets ain't runnin' hot chocolate today, but I can forgive the island for that. I think. The pet was gettin' thirsty, zoto. I'm drownin' my sorrow in booze, anyhow. I know. The chocolate was a beautiful thing. But somehow, we'll all have to survive. *chugging sounds*

Jenny: I needed a shower after the chocolate, but I regret none of it.

Reno: Kinda a shame the taps weren't runnin' booze again. Sorta less sticky, dependin' on which delicious poison you get stuck under, yo.

Jenny: At least alcohol has sterilizing properties. And it's better for my waistline. Actually, it's probably not, considering how much of it I drink. Sweet booze. Never leave me.

Reno: There's the one thing in life that ain't never gonna change. Booze. And notes. We got notes? It's Tuesday, I wouldn't be surprised if- sweet mother of Shiva, who let the squirrel report on Caritas, tonight?

( Karaoke Radio! )

Reno: Yo, Fandom! Not only does it seem to be Saturday, and I happen to be in the radio station, but I seem to have a different co-host than usual too, yo. Squirrels are a freakin' unforgivin' lot when they want you to do a broadcast, I'll tell you. They'll leap in on your social life and then bring her along for the ride, yo.

Rikku: Ooooh, this is nifty! And I totally wanted to come. I've never been abducted by squirrels before. And I only did radio once before, when I was an insane fairy-thing.

( News'n'SortaBooze? )

[Many thanks to the_merriest for her help with radio tonight!]

Reno: Yo, Fandom! Another Tuesday, another drunken broadcast with... drunken... broadcaster types. I got an early start, yo. There was punch in the booze at the party tonight.

Jenny: There was a party? Why didn't anyone tell me?

Reno: You gotta check your e-mail more often, Jenny.

Jenny: I hate the twenty-first century.

( 21st Century Radio! )

Reno: So! Another Tuesday, yo. And we got classes again. You know, just when you think you got a good thing goin', the school year reasserts itself like some kinda... educational... institutional... thingie, zoto.

Jenny: I think the wheels just fell off your simile.

Reno: Thingie is a technical term, ain't it?

Jenny: Not...to the best of my knowledge, no. Sorry.

Reno: Well, can't say I didn't make the effort, yo. You think you can do any better, Jenny?

Jenny: Well, I could make some trite comment about the circle of life, but for some reason I suspect that would lead to the squirrels breaking into song.

Reno: Yeah. That kinda thing moves us all. Like a wheel of fortune, or maybe a leap of faith, or a... band of hope? Uh. Okay. I'm givin' up on the similes now. This educational crap is for the smart kids. We got notes?

Jenny: We do indeed have notes.

( The Circle of Radio Moves Us All. )

Reno: -- Yes, I know you've brought booze. I'm just sayin', squirrels, that ain't gonna be enough. I got possible pay cuts to take into consideration, now. You're little furry heroes, keepin' a hard-workin' high-school student from goin' dry. Think of it like that, and bringin' extra rum on Tuesdays is, like, charity or somethin', right?

*Chittering*

Reno: Well, I gotta try, anyhow. Yo, Fandom. It's Tuesday night, and this is News and not-quite-enough Booze with Reno and Jenny Sparks.

Jenny: Possible pay cuts? I wasn't aware you worked for money, Reno, I thought you simply boozed your way through high school. Not that there's anything wrong with that. In fact I firmly support it.

( Booze'n'News! )

Reno: --Whaddaya mean, the mangy bedheaded pirate guy drank all the freakin' rum? No, no stop hangin' out in the corner, I ain't gonna turn into some kinda clown- the heck, you guys! Just get us some booze in here! I don't care what it is! I'll drink fruity girly dr-- Oh. Oh, we're on the air? Yo, Fandom! It's been two weeks since we were in here, and the place has managed to go to heck while we were gone. I just want my free booze, okay?

Jenny: That's right, I won a bloody drinking contest for you people and I expect to be repaid accordingly, d'you hear?

( ... Booze and News? Maybe? )

Reno: Yo, Fandom! Ever hit the club so hard that three days later, you still feel like [[CENSOR BEEP]]? Yep. That'd be me. But at least this time I didn't end up with an unfortunate tattoo on my behind. Ain't you all proud?

Jenny: I've done that many times, but I'm pleased to say I've never wound up with a tattoo on my bum. I suppose this is just one of the many ways I'm superior to you.

( Radio, My *** )

Reno: First, I can't find my way to the freakin' radio station. And then the freakin mic is wrapped in bubblewrap- *pop pop pop* - and now the booze is all bound up and my co-host ain't here, either. Tonight's broadcast is gonna be an adventure, yo.

*Chittering*

( Bubble Wrap Radio )

Reno: ... It pops. *Pop!*

Jenny: So it does. *pop pop pop!*

*pop pop pop pop pop! POP!*

Reno: Yo, Fandom! Welcome to Booze 'n' News with Reno, a buncha squirrels, and this snarlin' fuzzy thing that fell on me as I walked into the radio station tonight. I dunno where my esteemed co-host is. Either she's off drunk somewhere, or she got eaten by a freakin' drop bear.

Drop Bear: Snarrrrrrrrrr.

Reno: Spoken like a true freaky fuzzy cute ninja teddy bear thing, yo.

Drop Bear: Snarrrrrrrr.

Reno: You need a name. I'll call you Jenny.

( Radio, Snarrr! )

Reno: I think we're done here, yo. Rum got to the co-host.

Jenny: Let's run before it wakes up with a hangover.

Reno: Good call. Good night, Fandom!


[Many kudos to the_merriest, who helped with the coding when my brain revolted against me!]

Reno: Yo, Fandom! Reno, Jenny, and a weird red bird-thing here to give you all the news you never wanted us to share, yo!

Parrot: Share, yo! Rrrawwwk! Yo!

Jenny: So did the ferret die and get replaced already, is that's what's going on here? Because I have to say, it was less annoying.

Reno: Nah, Mako's all well an' good, yo. Dunno where the parrot came from, but he's been good company today. Ain't you, stupid?

Parrot: Ain't you stupid?

Jenny: *snicker* The bird just called you stupid. And I thought its name was Dumbass.

Reno: He'll answer to both. He's a very flexible ferret that way, yo. We got notes?

Parrot: We got notes! We got notes!

Jenny: Oh my God, shut it up.

Reno: There's somethin' to be said for superglue on a chunk of cuttlebone, yo. First up, school.

( News! Rrrawk! News! )

*There is the very distinct, slightly goose-like sound of honking. And the less goose-like sound of angry chittering in response.*

Reno: Awww, you little stupid, you can't go terrorizin' the squirrels, yo.

*Honk!*

Jenny: Keep it away from me. Also, it's too stupid to live.

Reno: ... I'd tell you to take that back, but the weird ninja-weasel-goose is pretty stupid, ain't he?

*Honk!*

Jenny: Make it stop antagonizing the squirrels; they'll take away our booze.

Reno: You have an oddly compelling point. C'mere, stupid. Naptime or somethin'.

Jenny: Maybe if you give it rum it'll fall asleep. Or. Die or something.

Reno: But I don't want it to die. No rum for you, Weasel-thing.

( Honk! )

*Honk!*

Reno: Yo, Fandom! It's time for another installment of Booze 'n News with Reno and Jenny, and I'm gonna open up by sayin' that if anyone pulls a weapon on someone I know again, I'm gonna [[DEAD AIR]].

Jenny: Have I missed something again? Or did you just forget to take your meds before you came down here?

Reno: .... I ain't on meds. Was just one of those weekends, yo.

Jenny: One of those weekends with weapons.

Reno: And foxes.

( And news! )

Reno: How will I ever get by in life not knowin' the joy of watchin' guys throw a ball into a basket?

Jenny: I've managed so far. Just dull your pain with the liquor.

Reno: *chugging sounds* Oh, there it is. All the meanin' just came rushin' back into my dull, colorless life, yo. We done?

Jenny: I believe we are. Good night, Fandom! Drink one down for us!

Reno: Yo, Fandom! Second day of classes, and if you haven't learned how to turn on your respective radios by now, then there probably ain't any hope for you. And you won't even be insulted, because you won't be listenin' to the broadcast, will you? And as for the rest of you- shame on you for not showin' whoever ain't listenin' to this broadcast the wonders of modern technology or whatever. Radio's freakin' awesome! Enlighten them, yo!

Jenny: Whatever the bloody hell he said! Hello, Fandom High! And Fandom town, I suppose, and any bits of Greece that might accidentally be getting this broadcast. I'm Jenny Sparks, this is Reno 'I'm too sexy for a last name,' and this--

*slosh slosh*

Is Captain Morgan! We're here to bring you all the news that's not fit to print, because bollocks knows what's going on with the newspaper.

Reno: Newspaper's under new management and on summer break, yo. Kickass management. Just you gotta wait for it. First paper's gonna be good, yo.

*Chittering*

Reno: And no, I ain't just sayin' that because the new editor's my girlfriend. But while we're waitin' for newspaper, a news medium that you newbies from the past may be more familiar with, we on Pirate Radio have got notes! Loads... of... Notes. .... And ouzo! And rum! And... other booze! So we're well equipped to read 'em, ain't we, Jenny?

Jenny: The booze helps, it's true. So let's get started with...

( Radio, which is going to be decidedly more alcohol-influenced than the paper... )

Jenny: You poor sot. Good night, Jenny!

Reno: Good night Fandom!

*Loud footfalls. Things crash. Dead air.*