WTFH

"Hey folks. Eric Weiss and we're gonna jump right into the news, because I'm leaving on a jetplane tomorrow, and though I know when I'll be back again... I really have nowhere to take that joke.

School's Out For Winter!

"Dean Tick subs in Energy and Fitness. He gives the students the three-part final, including Powering a Light Bulb with their tongue. That... can't be right.

"Constant Vigilance has a written test for their final. Until the Cybermen kill the Doctor. He gets... well, better than dead, anyway. Then the Sontarans kill him again. And he gets way better. Did you know that The Doctor sleeps with a night light? Not because The Doctor is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of The Doctor. Then The Master disintegrates The Doctor and most of us catch onto how flippin' fake the whole thing is. The real Doctor, radar ears intact, comes back and passes the class.

"Prophecy students turn in their final projects and listen to the guest speaker, the former anti-Christ. I prophecize that the class is over. Just call me Weiss-tradamus.

"Health gives their final presentations. Aaaaanad we are done with school for the semester.

"Except for the other parts that aren't class. Sam opens the library, just as a for instance. Lunch is served in the cafeteria. Nobody bothers.

Packing and/or Partying, Fandom High Dorms Style

"In the third floor common room, Chad is making Christmas enchiladas. Dude, where was I? Pippi and Chad compare final notes. Jude wants an enchilada onna stick. Chad makes Mac a vegan enchilada. Go Chad.

"Parker gets back to Fandom after some kind of a trip." Weiss paused for a moment. "Huh."

"Jack Harkness has conversations with Cedric, Sam Carter, River, and Cameron. No idea what they talked about, but I'm going to guess they're arranging tickets to Llamafest 2007.

"Aeryn and John talk about the Ethics final. Sources are unclear on whether the conversation ended on the ethics of gettin' sexy.

"Peter Parker and Isabel are in the Christmas spirit. They exchange gifts and stuff. Sanders stops by to mack on Isabel with some mistletoe. Note to self, acquire mistletoe. Get kisses. Bel and Isabel also exchange gifts. Isabel is really the gift-giving person, isn't she? Peter's in an elf suit. The only word for this is WTF.

"Peter Parker's Christmas spirt keeps rolling with presents for Aeryn and a gift exhange with Kawalsky.

"Dawn's being giving today, too. Molly , Bridge, and Peter Parker benefit. Dawn and I totally win at gift exchanging and magic ninjas.

"Billy tries this strange new thing called 'thinking' down by the docks. Pace yourself, dude.

It's Christmas Time with the Townies

"Lana has a pretty low-key day in the bookstore. What? No emo or overpowering waves of omgjoy? Best present ever.

"Willow is Kaylee's anti-emo brigade over at Empire Records. Willow wins this week's Righteous Dude award, because that just rocks.

"Aiden decorates her detective agency's office. I hate to say this, but do we really need a private investigator. Seems like the students here are pretty much all the sleuth the island can handle.

"Someone leaves Sister Rosette a Christmas present.

"Yitzhak has a theme going at Luke's Diner. And that theme is awesome.

"Jarod opens the Fourth Sin.

There's a Holiday shindig at 33 Apocalypse Avenue.

At Caritas, Mac and Cally celebrate their three month anniversary. Speaking as somebody who has a maximum relationship lifespan of six weeks, I congratulate both of you.

"The Devil's Nest offers free drinks for teachers. Not teacher's assistants, unfortunately. Or nuns.

"Well, that's all from me. Have a good holiday weekend, folks, and be sure to tip your Santas."

"Hey everybody, you're probably all asleep from the turkey on this, National Leftovers Day. Fandom was spared the horrendous shopping madness that typically happens the day after Thanksgiving, mostly due to the fact that our shops are not exactly overwhelmed with consumer electronics. The Fandom shopper's motto should always be, 'If I can't find it online, I'm screwed.'

School.

None. Best day ever.

Dorms.

When classes are out, the students play. And what do they play? Jude and Ranma play sexual tension. Anders and Bel play a game I like to call Behind Closed Doors. Billy plays Guy on a Ledge. And Jack wins a round of Told Ya So with Lana.

Oh, and Lana and Jim the Dick play Yahtzee.

Billy and Pippi enjoy delicious pancackes in the Fifth floor common room. Later, Billy heads down to the Fourth floor common room and tells Jim he's a dick. Okay, not really, but there was subtext. I'm nearly sure of it. Jim slathers on the charm with Lana, hoping to make her forget his douchebag ways.

Town.

Lana joygasms at work. I swear to God there's some kind of localized bipolar disorder going on there. Perky or depressed, perky or depressed. Geez.

This Nun wants you... to give her food. It worked for Uncle Sam, why not Sister Rosette? It's all in the family, right? Right. Note to self: patriotic and religious humor do not mix. Then she takes confession. And around here, there's gotta be some fairly screwed up sins.

There's a brand-new crazy science type in town. Daisy makes friends with him. Daisy is doomed.

El Mariachi, John Connor, Rosette, and Thursday head out on a road trip of some kind. I see hot dogs at the Biggest Ball of Twine in Minnesota. That'd rock in a really stupid way.

The Doctor and Zhaan have tea. Made from tea leaves. Leaves of tea. This is like the most boring news ever. Next you're going to tell me that the Clinic's dead.

Oh. The Clinic is dead. I hate it when I'm right.

Jay and Silent Bob pop by the Photo Hut. It's like a predestined meeting of potheads.

Thursday asks John Winchester to watch Friday while she's gone. That kid's gonna be an expert marksmen with a standard hunting rifle when she gets back.

Apu attempts to foist a sandwich on Billy. What are you pushing, dude? Black market tryptophan?

Newcomer Aiden has fresh digs at 18 Apocalypse Avenue, courtesy our esteemed Vice-Principal. Way to fufill the basic need for shelter.

Anyway, that's all for now. I have turkey in my stomach and I'm gonna fall over at the console if I'm not careful. Have a good night, and don't forget to tip your turkeys.

"Hey folks, Eric Weiss here, coming at you on a Monday, weirdly enough. This should be pretty wicked, so let's get to it.

Do you wanna go to school today? No I Don't Wanna Do That

Announcements: beware the sixth floor and its damage. I guess it had an episode or something. It's seeking therapy. Also, lunch might be inedible today, which is actually a sign of improvement. Usually it's definitely inedible.

Balloon animals are giving squeaky political encouragement around campus. I wonder if Lyman can round them up as guest speakers for Wednesday's Political Campaigning class.

Pop Cultures rockin' out to the 80s. Cedric finds that he can dance if he wants to. And Evie just wants to have fu-un.

Prophecy discusses Chosen Ones. A plural on that only sounds stupid, folks. Everybody's way more excited about Vegas. I know I am. And hey, so are Bel and Anders. Bel promises to show Anders a good time and not to hog the covers.

I can't make this stuff up, people. I just can't.

Spanish talks about the fall break... in Spanish.

Interstellar Relations! I still think that class is secretly about solar systems getting it on. But in all seriousness, this week's assignment is to watch the news. It's like she gives the gift of television and takes it away with boring newscasts. Maybe if Wendy the Werewolf Stalker fires a silver bullet at the anchor...

Mary Poppins teaches you to speak Dragon. Around here, this is actually really useful skill to have. Balloon Animals try to recruit Molly and Door for their vague political platform. That's like the scariest thing I've heard since I arrived.

Logan Cale wants you to know that the politicians are going to screw you no matter what. Hope you're registered to vote. The class is actually about raising Issues, but Issues aren't funny. Unless they're like, Personal Issues of Emo. That's always funny.

World History talks about the War to End All Wars. You know, except the Second World War, the Korean War, all the police actions after... and that's just in America. Gotta love that historical hindsight making our forebears look really silly. To those students who might yet live through the first World War, do us a favor and make them call it something realistic? Thanks.

The Cafeteria fails to be hopping, probably due to the administration finally warning somebody about the food. Shawn and Naomi eat quietly, separately... They should, like, hook up or something. Dude. The Lunchtime Lovers. That'd be pretty cool, actually.

The Library is open. The eyes are closed. Reading remains unpromoted amongst young people like myself who'd rather get into that sex, drugs, and rock 'n' roll thing. You can't see it but I'm totally giving the metal sign right now.

Flight Club meets and tools around in a single-pilot Cessna.

Dog Dorm Morning -- The Taxidermy Edition

JD's got a new toy. Buffy and Pip help him carry it to the fifth floor common room. He unwraps it and... it's a stuffed labrador. Buffy is strangely drawn to its vaguely Scottish vibe and names it Laddie. Pippi thinks Laddie is a very friendly dog. Pippster, if that thing starts humping your leg, shoot to kill. Buffy and Nadia just don't get it. What's there not to get? It's a stuffed dog. You can put it cool places and scare people. Or you can just keep it around the dorm. All the love and cuddles of a real dog without that nasty movement problem.

Cowboy Pete's walking down the hall in a magical, musical world of his own when he runs into JD and his new poochy pal. JD sings Journey for Cowboy Pete. Unconfirmed reports say a noise not unlike a dying dog's howl were heard at that point.

...and now, the rest of the dormy

Blair is watching Strifenova Celestial. Door sends a letter. You can trust a strange but hot girl who sends a letter. Teddy's reigniting the beat movement by wearing all black. Willow is freakin' adorable. Special guest appearance by balloon animals and English Peter Guy. Sakurazaki invites the twins out. There's a Doublemint Gum joke there, but I think I just threw up in my mouth a little. Phoebe's staying with Lana because if Bel's going to have his gay tryst, she's going to get her lesbian on just to show him, dammit. John's home and not in a good place. Dude.

Town. Yes, Town. You too can enjoy a beautiful banana sundae made of town!

Lana opens Aeropatigonia while emo. I think she's got some sort of weird chemical imbalance. She's either really happy or really sad. Maybe it's because Jim's a dick. Phoebe feels Lana's pain. Part of that's because she's an empath, and the other part is she sees her own road to emo, blazed by Bel's torrid affair with Anders.

When there's something off in your brothel, dude... who ya going to ring? Winchesters! And Angela for some reason. And Becky and Miho, but they live there. After a nasty brawl, though, the ghost does not. Maybe they hold hands after, but this is brothel. The hand might not be the most appropriate appendage.

Empire Records is open. And so is Sister Rosette's new and improved confession... now with 50% more sugar. Jane is battling malicious political agendas over at All and Sundries. Sparky opens late, no-one notices.

Jamie and Marie have a date. And watch how not bitter I am at being single. I think I'm really growing.

The Clinic is quiet in the morning, although Elliot is apparently doing horrible things to a stuffed dolphin. Maybe that's what the balloon animals are protesting/supporting? The Doctor chats with Janet in the evening.

Well, folks, that's all I've got. Have a good night, though, and don't let Tuesday get you down.

"Hey, folks. Eric Weiss here, completely happy to not have to deal with family this year, because reading over these notes... There's like no envy here.

School and School-Related Activities

Constant Vigilance learns about dangerous aliens. If variety is the spice of life, the The Doctor is eating Cream of Wheat.

Energy and Fitness students get to hit each other with big sticks. Your tuition money is put to good use here at Fandom High, parents.

Aziraphale shows Prophecy Lab All! New! Divination! techniques. Maybe it's a crossover class with Energy and Fitness. I know I'd see funny things if I got whacked with a big stick.

Health talks about sex, baby. Or how to put your schwing-schwong in a lady's bjango. Apparently Professor Reid turned so red by the end of class that she could've doubled for the Kool-Aid Man's skinnier cousin.

The Library is open for all of your sleeping needs. Blair and Sam W. bond over crazy parents. Think of it as the first pebble before the avalanche.

Moving Around Campus

The Gym is where we sublimate our teenage angst into healthy, constructive violence.

River and Blair have cute. It's a disease. Get cuddles. Help. Get help.

Aeryn and John! You can't be fighting! You're my heroes! Wait, I never met either of you. Carry on.

Izzy joins the Eric Weiss Association for No Parents This Weekend. Enjoy it. Seriously. Family's messed up. Oh, wait. Her brother shows up later.

Marty finds out that Angela's gone blonde. I'm shocked. Just shocked. The world needs to stop shifting under my... wait, I never met Angela, either.

Willow has an embarrassing encounter with Peter's brother. It does not involve sex, although it's in the general vicinity. Good work, Willow.

Lana Lane, Lex Luthor, Lavender Brown. One of these things isn't quite like the others.

JD makes paper cranes and wishes he was like the other boys. He considers joining the pirate corps, but they won't have him. Thankfully, his brother comes in... Dude, who's Johnny?

Cally has guilt over normal teenage lust. You'll never survive high school with that attitude, Missy.

Teddy gets a special visitor of no importance, superheroic or otherwise. The squirrels have that underlined three times. So... how is that news, then?

Apparently Sam Carter vanished. Jack tells Cedric, I'm telling you. Now who's going to tell us what the fuck is going on?

Bel's got Daddy issues. Phale and Wilson help him work through them. Maybe they'll help him accept who he really is -- a guy named Belthazor. See how it looked like I was going for the gay joke and then I didn't? Oh yeah.

It's a Summers-Winchester-palooza in room 428. That's my fake little sister, guys. If I hear word one that she was mistreated, I'm totally looking at you sternly in the halls for a week.



Parents Weekend Meet and Greet

Everybody's gotta register. It's the law. Or a really polite suggestion. But Fraser would like your weapons, and that's not a suggestion. It's still polite, though. I mean, dude, he's a Mountie.

The food and drink table was a popular destination. The Broots brood bothered... well, Broots. Angela's dad and Tamaki discuss imitation crab, accept no substitutes. Edmund is precocious. Great. A bratty little brother. Just what the weekend needs. Nikki and Shawn could go on all night about their lives. I couldn't. JD's brother hits on Kira. Obviously the charm runs in the family. Peter Griffin gets visited by a sarcastic talking dog. Please, Fandom has the patent on sarcastic talking housepets. Faithful should have a word with this pooch. Isabel finds her twin brother, who has ears rivaling the Doctor's. Must be an alien thing. Kira wants shiny bald love from Lex. Lana ain't havin' none of that, no sir. Just because your mother works at Fandom High doesn't mean there aren't new faces to embarrass you. Rory learns this the hard way. Shocking news in the world of Gary-the-King -- Alanna has breasts. Dude, I've known that since I got here. That wacky Simon is back with his fun-lovin' captain, and they're double-teaming Kaylee. With conversation. Dirty minds, man. Dirrrrrty.

Over at the general mingling area, Marty meets up with Marcella, who's happy to have been frisked. Who isn't? ... Forget I said that. A different Buffy than our Buffy who is apparently Dawn's Buffy meets Seely who looks exactly like Angel, whoever that is. Okay, I'm calling our Buffy Buffy #1 and Dawn's Buffy Buffy #2. Just to be clear. Arthur Hellsing -- Walter's guardian -- hits on Buffy #2. Dawn to the rescue! *plays the Bitterwoman theme* Briar meets his family. It's family planting. Get it? Planting? Ah, never mind. Pip and his grandfather yack in French. Excusez-moi! Ma grandmère est flambé. Hey, everyone! Jamie's married! Who's gonna tell Marie? That'd be the stunning lass with the Scottish burr. Buffy #1 meets Mom, wants to shop. The cheerleader wants to shop. Stop, I'll die of shock. The Egyptian Wonder Siblings hug and hug and hug. Mommy Draco flounces over to her baby bird. Billy meets his guardian and speaks full sentences. With separate clauses. He even strings them one after the other. I can't believe the apocalypse is here already. Steve Rogers looks for Teddy. The Marquis looks for his charge. Together, they find love. Otherwise known as people are meeting people and it needs more sex. I'm dying of boredom, here. Zero's parents are punk rockers, but you probably knew that. Jude and Blair flee The Man. Or The Ron. Whichever you prefer. Alphonse and Winry -- they're blonde. Parker becomes a totally softie for Daddy. I think that's scarier than anything else. Where's our hardcore bitch who takes no prisoners? I miss her! Hermione gets somebody else's parents. It happens to the best of us, dude. OMGWTF DINOSAUR!

Our Town In the Middle of Our Island

The Hotel is open. Get a room, because the Troopers don't like vagrants.

A well-muscled fellow checks out Giles' shop. And Empire Records. And Sparky Repairs. Maybe he's looking for the phone book?

Parker takes her guests to Cafe Fina. Oh good -- somebody actually eats there.

Booth does the Hokey-Pokey and he turns himself around. But the Marquis will not tell him what it's all about.

Jude's got them Frozen Food blues, oh yeah

Missouri's in the Perk. I knew that physics could get funky on the Island, but woah. Jake's daddy doesn't love him. But Krycek does. Bow-chick-bow-bow. Hikaru separates from the sibling unit to go on a date with Sakura.

Luke's Diner is open for all your chow needs. Isabel and Jack attempt to explain Fandom to Max. I'm not expecting miracles. Jaye takes her incredibly handsome brother to the diner. By incredibly handsome, I mean, you know... 'sup?

Guido and Rahne break some bad news to Jamie. No idea what, but our heart goes out to you, Jamie. And you, Jamie. And you. And you. And you. Andyou'n'you'n'you...

This Just In...

Blair's mom and Lex Luthor are getting it on.</a. That's all from me tonight folks. Be sure to tip your parents for not bringing out the baby pictures. Catch you next week!"

"Hey, folks. Eric Weiss and I'm about ready to keel over. Homecoming Night for Fandom High and I've got all the fun a man can handle. Tonight, though, I've got my very special brand new acquaintance Callisto helping me out. Callisto?"



"Thanks, Eric. Of course everyone knows the best thing about Homecoming is having all the embarrassing events of the night you want to keep quiet broadcast for all to hear, so it's a good thing we're the ones behind the mikes. We wouldn't want anyone to miss out after all."

( Cut because there's a lot of stuff omg )

"Hey, folks. It's Eric Weiss again, spilling my manly guts about everything that's going on our island of weird. I'd like to start off with a personal message to all the potential lovebirds out there. If you're sitting and home, maybe thinking about that great date you had about a week ago, and wondering when you might have another one with the same person... Check your voicemail. It holds all the answers.

Enough of that, though. Let's move onto actual newsworthy stuff:

At Least Your Friday Afternoon is Free

Principal Washburn announces that Bel, Sam Carter, Schrodinger, and Billy will have detention with Ms. Frizzle. Welcome to the Science of Punishment. Is anyone else imagining Frizzle in black leather? Is anyone else grossly disturbed by this?

Jack Harkness take over Constant Vigilance this week, as he introduces alien species. And then he has the alien species introduce themselves, as members of the class pretend to be aliens and ask each other out. It's a little known fact that glow-in-the-dark bowling was invented by an Earthling trying to attract cosmic love. Another little known fact is that I just made that last part up. Phoebe has Bel-angst. Pheebs, look, this denial thing is crazy. Find yourself a nice guy who doesn't have random chemistry with every other guy not me on campus. It'll make things way easier. Jamie gathers the trash.

Prophecy lab talks palm reading. Everyone pairs up and reads each other's palms. Palm-reading can be a very intimate experience if you're doing it right. Bel and Blair get it. And hey, look -- Jamie gathers the trash.

Health. Stress Relief. Go. First there's a quiz on stress levels. JD lets everyone know that he's horny. Thanks for the info, dude. I'll pass it on to the appropriate parties. Then the class discusses stress management techniques. JD, you should listen here. It'll help with that problem you're having. Jamie, who is a trash-gathering maniac, gathers the trash.

Jamie proceeds to gather more trash at the office hours of Josh Lyman, Ms. Frizzle, Jessie Custer, Alianne, V, and Daniel Jackson. Oh and that cafeteria trash? Totally Madroxed.

Over in Days of Our FH Office, Bucky the Squirrel is in love. With a female reporter who is also a squirrel. Bucky can get lost, because it ain't happening, acorn-breath. ... Sorry, folks, that's just what I have written in the notes. Just in case you thought you could escape, Jamie collects the trash.

Stuff actually happens in the Library. Like, more than Jamie collecting the trash. Winchester and Winchester -- junior variety -- have good old-fashioned brotherly ribbing. That's the spirit, guys. Talk about manly things like... Homecoming. And boys in dresses. Why, Winchesters? Why have you failed me? Billy stalks around the library. Dude, just ask where the picture books are. Sam and Dawn are cute at each other. Intensely cute. Blindingly cute. Okay, not that cute. Alec wants a book on dinosaurs. There's a guy who's man enough to ask for the picture books. Way to go dude.

Students and the Dorms They Live In, This Week on Sally Joey Leonardo

In the Second Floor Common Room, Anders makes burgers. He fails to invite me. Jamie talks trash to Anders. Cameron smells meat. No comment. English Peter guy fears sharks will eat the weekend. They munch human flesh, dude, not time. Unless you're watching Teeth 3-D. You'll never see that time again.

Aeryn is working out on the punching bag. Jamie collects the trash and suggests that Darth Vader's just a whiny emo kid in need of hug. Yeah, right. I can see that happening. Hey, maybe he needs a date for Homecoming, too! Skywalker get his kicks from working with Aeryn. I crack myself up. Jim swings by, and Aeryn tells him the gym is the most normal place in the dorms. I think I'll be hanging out there more often now.

Isabel lets Bel know he's being dumb. The girl has no fear. I like it. Jamie collects her trash.

Apparently, Rory and Jaye discuss Homecoming. I don't have any more information than that, but I do suggest that if your voicemail has a message on it, you should check it. Not related, just saying. Jamie collects the freakin' trash.

Jim believes that Chad's bass-playing is not terrible. A solid endorsement. Jamie does a brand new dance... and it looks exactly like collecting Chad's trash.

Billy hangs out... by the ceiling. Jamie... wait. Jamie doesn't show up at all. Billy's trash festers. Sweet Jesus, thank you.

Willow and English Peter Guy go on a date. No further notes, but I'd like to add a soundtrack. Bow-chicka-wow-wow. Thank you.

In the evening, Jude's checking out the latest thrilling installment of Wormhole X-treme. He's into the whole audience participation thing, apparently. This is where I make a comment about how the characters on the television can't hear him, but this is Fandom. They probably can. Sleep with one eye open, Jude. Joxer does not want to be hung. There's no joke that won't make me sound like a douche. Suffice to say, Joxer's porn career has probably come to a premature end. Blair converts Joxer to a lifestyle of protesting and tofu. Setsuna is out of town for the weekend. Jude is sad. Blair's ADD kicks in and he starts talking about bones. Kaylee drops in and forgives Joxer for the naked girls in Myth. Waitwhatnow? I missed naked girls? I'm hanging out in all the wrong classes. Blair reallyreallyreallyreallyreallyreallyreallyreallyomgsuperreallyreally likes River. Crazy loves company, apparently. Billy reveals he's doomed to the Frizz's S&M Detention Dungeon. Jamie... aw cripes. Jamie picks up garbage. I cannot win, I'm telling you.

Evie and Carmela have pie in the 5th Floor Common Room. Jamie picks up the trash. Eric Weiss installs an incinerator system in the dorms. Madrox is the first to go in.

Fandom, Fandom, It's a Wonderful Town. The School is Up and the Alcohol's Down. The Gremlins Ride in a Hole in the Ground.

Businesses that did no actual business today include Sparky Repairs, Empire Records, Cafe Fina, and The Clinic. That last one's probably a good thing.

Giles gets home. He and Dawn catch up. Rumors of cocoa and a roaring fire are unsubstantiated.

Lyman and Tex have a date at Ching Tai. I'm pretty sure Lyman survived the ordeal. I'm also sure that him having a date with Tex is, like, the worst idea ever.

A zombie gives GOB a black eye over in Caritas. Becky offers revenge... mostly because she's bored. Cally and Mac go on their first date. Neither get black eyes.

Well, that's all I've got right now, folks. Have a good night and check your voicemail.

Hey, folks. This is Eric Weiss, the time is way too late, and this is Fandom Radio. Word of warning, folks: I'm new to the island, a little freaked out by all of you -- in a good way, and I'm relying heavily on this handy Fandom Glossary some cool person left out for me.

Little Scary Schoolhouse on the Island

Aziraphale's Prophecy class focused on historical seers. Funny how none of them predicted this place. Or maybe they did. "And in that time, there would come a place of learning... with crazy students and gremlins of all shapes and creeds. And lo, the female populace would be 67% more attractive than the rest of the world." Aziraphale announced a trip to Las Vegas at the end of class, which sent Bel, Joxer, and Dawn all flaily about who would sign their permission slip. I feel for ya, guys, and I'm told I have very mature handwriting if you need something forged. Except that I can't now that I've just announced that over the radio. Sorry.

In Media Studies, Logan-who-is-according-to-the-glossary-not-in-fact-a-bunny had the students pick their desert island top 4 songs, book, and item of complete uselessness. When I play this game, it's usually top 5 movies or top 5 female celebrities. Sometimes it's top 5 varieties of hard liquor. The lists contained an awful lot of heavy metal. Don't get me wrong. I love Highway to Hell as much as the next guy, but if I was on an arid, overwhelmingly hot desert island, I don't think I'd want to hear a bunch of guys with bad hair screaming about Hell. Gotta give a shout out to Sam Winchester, who picked War and Peace as his book. That's survival instinct. Once he finishes, he can use the weight of the book to stun island critters for dinner.

Intro to 21st Century American Culture introduced the phone and the computer to the bewildered students who don't have that kind of thing where they come from. Like magic places and the future. As part of her contribution to the betterment of cowboys, Jaye taught my roommate Pete how to crank call. And suddenly I'm very glad I don't use voicemail. Over at the computers, Kaylee showed Gwynn how to Google for "horses." There's a porn joke in there, but I think Pete and Joxer summed it up well enough. The Internet is really, really great...

Cross-species Communication headed to the park where Mary Poppins had the students talk to dogs. (pause) (shuffles through Glossary) Uh, says under Talking Animals: It happens. Don't freak out. Right. Later, Rev. Jesse crashed the class and he brought his dog, who Mary also had a conversation with.

Laura Roslin presides over Interstellar Relations. Relating between stars. You know, Sirius B swaggers up to Alpha Centauri in a bar and says, "Hey baby, you're setting up thermonuclear reactions in my core." (a cricket chirps somewhere in the studio) No? No. Sorry. I had delusions of funny for a second. I'll try to keep it reined in. Seriously, though. The class ran through definitions of a state and then why political systems can't all get along. Cally compared governments to self-centered teenagers, which is accurate as hell.

Spanish class happened.

Dr. Jackson talked Ancient Egypt. Evie tried for Geek of the Week. I hear she's a front-runner.

Some teachers had office hours today, including Mary Poppins, Thursday Next, El Mariachi, Elliot Reid, Dr. Wilson, Ellie Arroway, and Aziraphale. The Fandom High Office was also open for all your bureaucracy needs.

The Library announced new Library Aides today. Congrats to Bridge Carson, Isabel Evans, and Sam Winchester. You all like books way more than I do.

During Lunch, my favorite class of all, Naomi and Billy compared childhoods. Naomi got to live in SPACE. Naomi for the win. Walter... studied. Keep honin' those learning skills, Walt.


Co-ed Dorms: 90% 33% of the Reason Why I Came to Fandom

Isabel posted notification of Student Council Elections. Vote Eric Weiss, Junior representative. He might not know anything about the school, but innocence is a virtue. I just wish I had some.

Angela made delicious banana nut muffins in the third floor common room and watched a talk show. Lavender showed up and confirmed that she's a witch. That's kinda hot. On the "Goth or No Goth" spectrum of fashion, Billy and Angela both firmly agreed on "Goth," while Conner voted confused. Right there with you, pal. Peter-who-is-apparently-English and Conner wanted to buy more Saturdays. Can't help you there, fellas, but there's a bridge in Brooklyn I'm looking to burn off dirt cheap. Angela and Marty talked one-year anniversary. Angela is letting Marty do the planning. Oh, Angela. Never, ever let the dude plan the anniversary celebration. It'll be three weeks late and you'll wind up at the bar watching the game. I've watched too many relationships crash and burn this way. Get reservations somewhere nice just in case. Zuko suspected the muffins. I bet he doesn't drink the Kool-Aid, either. Buzzkill. Billy and Zuko attempted a conversation entirely in mime... until Billy realized that mime equals lame. Zuko got no-flinching points, though. Then he lost those points for dissing The Remote. The Remote is your God. Know it, love it, worship at its altar, heathen. Angela and English-Peter-guy talked about blowing up British buildings and how much they like rhymes. This place is twisted.

Apparently, Door's dormroom is the place to be. Cally hung out, Isabel and Alanna introduced themselves, and Carmela gave fashion commentary.

Isabel talked to Jaye about her brother, Bridge and English-Peter-guy hung out, and Dawn told Sam that her sister is a dog. (shuffle of glossary) Turning Into An Animal: Also happens. See: Logan-who-used-t'be-a-bunny.

Ranma and dog visited Sakurazaki. I hope this dog doesn't talk. A little later, Jude and Sakurazaki were apparently OMGSOCUTE. Seriously, it's what my notes say. I'd just go for "aw, sweet," myself, but if they wanna be OMGSOCUTE, I say let 'em.

Sam -- different Sam, girl Sam -- and Rory -- only Rory -- were both singin' in the dorms and sprucing up. (shuffles glossary again) Musical episode: Already happened. Count your blessings. Beware the pageant.

Mac had cookies and a laptop in the fourth floor common room. What am I doing here? Cute girl and cookies? I signed up for the wrong gig. Lavender wandered in later, and Mac explained her laptop. Jake shrieked like a girl at the prospect of no coffee. Wait... Jake *is* a girl? Kind of a manly name, but hey, no judgments here. Krycek swooped in, very dude-like, with coffee. Krycek to the rescue. There should be a television series.

Billy got his chakras on outside. Dig the poncho.

Lana and Walter talked in the 3rd Floor Common room. Conner popped in, still looking to buy a Saturday. Good luck on that, man. Let me know if you find a seller. I'll chip in.


Downtown. Everything's Waiting For You. Like Tequila.

Over at Empire Records, Agnes asked Chad to show her around. He preached punk rock. Anarchy in the Fandom...K, baby.

Sister Rosette hung out in the church while it rained. Is it too much to ask that she's a saucy, mischievous nun and not Our Lady of the Skinned Knuckles?

Wilson and Aziraphale got cozy in the park. You know, I think that's beautiful. There aren't enough men willing to canoodle with their agent of heaven in public. Bravo, guys. Seriously.

Alfred is trying to poison us all. But at least he's polite about it.

Jarod opened Caritas, with a new look for the musical accompaniment. Zombie band: now in unliving color.

Over at the Clinic, everybody visited River. Maybe I'm not understanding the whole "she beat the crap out of people" principle, but I'd actually avoid that area of town. Buffy should, anyway, since it apparently turned her into a puppy.

Well, that's all from me, but I leave you with one parting thought, direct from the Glossary.

Underaged Drinking: A survival instinct in Fandom.