Turtle: Good evening, fellow Fandomites, and let me just say this: holy crap, alligators.

Valentine: Well said, Turtle.

Turtle: Thanks! Anyway, you're listening to WTFH on this very reptile-infested Friday, and this is the Turtle & Valentine show! Because I convinced my last cohost to stay on and help me bring you all the news of the day. And she let me put my name first.

Valentine: Well, you have been doing it longer.

Turtle: That's right! So, remember, voting for Turtle & Valentine is voting half for experience, and half for a fresh new take on the news! You can't lose! But for now, here are today's events.

...In which there are a lot of alligators.



School

Turtle: This week's detention winners are as follows! Zack Fair, Tony Foster, Karla, Morgana, Fiona Post, John Sheppard, and Jaina Solo. I hope you are all very ashamed of yourself.

Valentine: And, hey, room to myself Saturday morning. Slacking met this morning; I should know, since I didn't slack off and was there. Mr. Max did a very good job telling us about bosses who get in the way, considering there was an alligator on his desk. Then everyone paired up to get inside the brain of an awful manager...

Turtle: Literally?

Valentine: ...yes, Turtle. Literally.

Turtle: Man, I'm glad I'm a good manager.

Valentine: Anyway, Fiona was there to TA.

Turtle: In TeeVee for Beginners, they talked about early shows, especially once that had different casts and stories each week. Zack and Dinah were too distracted by gators to think about class.

...

Valentine: ...what?

Turtle: Nothing. I just..realized that Zack and Dinah can be and probably often are in the same space together.

Valentine: So?

Turtle: The world can only handle so much bouncing in one area, Valentine! We're all in danger.

Valentine: Of...over-bouncing?

Turtle: Yes. Have you met them? Never mind. Anyway, they watch one of those old black and white scary shows, just the thing for a gator-infested, bounce-threatened group of teenagers. They discussed what they'd do in an alien invasion, which I think has happened at least three times here. Dinah then tried to convince George to come out and fight gators, but he declines.

Valentine: How to Dress like a Pop Star learns to dress for the future. Which is now.

Turtle: Whoa. That's deep, Valentine.

Valentine: No, I mean, I'm from the future. And we actually kind of dress suprisingly the same.

Turtle: I like my version better.

Valentine: Well, Mr. Noir's version is a suburban future, so, yeah, about the same. And Harper was there to be a TA.

Turtle: Rangering! talk about how rangers have a favored enemy. I wonder if anyone's is gators? Either way, Ben and Tahiri make plans to kill gators on their date...

Valentine: Oh, wow, Ben. That sounds healthy.

Turtle: The couple that slays together, stays together?

Valentine: ...okay, not bad, Turtle.

Turtle: Thanks! Everyone had a list of enemies to study to know how to kill for next week; if anyone picked gators, you picked right! Prince Edward was an anxious TA, and Ichigo talked to Mister Minsc about catching up with the weeks he missed, and he said it's okay, so long as he went and fought some gators.

Valentine: And the library was quiet. Probably since everyone was fighting gators.

Turtle: But Miss Walker's out on the school grounds, skipping office hours to fight gators. Dr. Brennan wants to help, but Miss Walker says no, and so Dr. Brennan takes a dead alligator carcus to study...

Valentine: At the lab. And I helped. I got to see very upclose what a giant mutant alligator eats. Very educational.

Turtle: And disgusting. Back on the grounds, Miss Garrett and Miss Walker meet over gators, and Katina shooting them up while Miss Walker muses on if they can climb trees.

...I knew I'm not the only one who'd think of that! And then Miss Walker and Mister Gibbs talk shop and training.

Valentine: Miss Garrett's in her office despite the alligators, and Rimmer isn't, with an alligator in his place. Algren got a visit from Hillshire to talk about Triela, while Bond goes straight for the first aid and the alcohol.

Turtle: There was also a staff meeting today, which was surprisingly not all about the alligators. Miss Garrett is miffed but bemuffined...nice one, squirrel...and Miss Devereaux is NOT OKAY with this invasion, which is very understandable. Mister Desmond fails to impress Miss Mars with his goldfish battle scars. And Mister Deadpool invites Miss Mars to a sleepover, so long as she brings bagel bites. Miss Mode is not amused by the alligators or Mister Desmond's joke about fine print.

Valentine: Ronon and Skywalker discuss the stupidity of students and the intelligence of new teachers who scam off with all the good donuts. Deadpool then invites Skywalker to the slumber party after exchanging hair tips. Dr. Brennan probably does not approve of this interruption from the lab, and Minsc was distracted by muffins. Jasper looks like something he ate didn't agree with him, and Tim had a goldfish wound. It is also notable that Deadpool is hot.

Turtle: *groan* Don't say that.

Valentine: Is it true?

Turtle: I DON"T KNOW! It's weird. Mister Dex is just there for the food. Principal Winchester welcomed everyone back and Mister Desmond totally sucked up to her. No one took up Dr. Brennan's offer to cut up a dead mutant alligator.

Valentine: I did.

Turtle: Nerds don't count. Detective Constable Day actually called Principal Winchester to apologize for not making it to the meeting due to alligators, and then Mister Deadpool invited her to a party.

Dorms

Valentine: Tony put up signs to announce that the magic reserve was canceled this week due to alligators...

Turtle: And about 15% of those posters were then eaten by alligators. Hey, Valentine, did you also know that about 94.3% of all statistics were made up on the spot?

Valentine: You don't say...

Valentine: Diana got a call that sends her and her cat to trouble near Australia, by the sounds of it. After, of course, a significant trouble in actually getting to one of the phones on time.

Turtle: Alex decided to avoid the alligators and stick with a book and smoking in his room, which I'm not really sure should be allowed. The smoking part. Books are okay. Anyway, Griff comes in and figures out he's rooming with a manwhore, one who pisses Fiona off by not telling her if he's seen Griff. But it all works out because Griff went to Fiona's and she tells him about alligator fighting.

Valentine: Jenny got a phone call from home, and the phone does not survive. Good news, I take it? Either way, Sam Witwicky's phone fares better with his call.

Turtle: Edward chilled out in his room, and then Jill turned into a plant. Don't look at me like that, Valentine. A real plant. It happens around here.

Valentine: In the lobby, Francine very smartly set up a relief station for anyone deciding to take on the alligators. Jack wonders if its the infirmary and Francine promptly puts her foot in her mouth in referring to him as 'Tony's Jack.'

Turtle: Literally?

Valentine: ...yes, Turtle. Literally.

Turtle: Gross!

Valentine: Francine then tells Priestly about the possibility of building a Fandom coillition for those who are better suited to help than fighting, which Priestly can get behind. Dinah is looking for Neosporin; Priestly suggests rabies shots. Dinah also fills Gabrielle in on the events outside, and she's quick to grab her staff.

Turtle: Karla is definitely in need of one of Priestly's sandwiches. Katchoo gets Francine's cookie...

*chittering*

...what? Anyway, she got a cookie and Francine finds out about her gun. Then I talked to Francine about how he broke Merlin's nose. Which, in retrospect, may be a good thing. It'll distract from his ears. And then I talked with Priestly about some of the differences between the alligators and the harpies. Like how harpies don't fly.

Valentine: Tony checks up on Karla, who points out that explosives are not species-specific. Francine is impressed with Karla's ability to summon up her healing supplies. Then Francine enlists Tony to start sorting Band-Aids. That seems helpful. He's a bit more helpful with Dinah who cleans up with a bubble spell.

Turtle: Karla found herself absolutely surrounded by alligators in the garden, and then Leda showed up to save the day with a nice one-two of magic. This rescue does not stop Karla from soundly bitching about what the hell is wrong with this place.

Ahhh, newbies.

Valentine: Angela holed up safe and sound in the fourth floor common room. Peyton comes in to share her popcorn and talk about her twisted ankle. Definitely no gator fighting for her. Angela also invited Liz to join the party. Blair is glad to see that other people are still sane and staying indoors.

Turtle: Fiona wandered the halls, looking for alligators to hit with her yo-yo. And then Arthur and Merlin talk about how Arthur has no intention of making Leto his queen...

...

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Ohmygod, Valentine, I'm dead. You'll have to do radio on your own from here on in.

Valentine: No way. Do you see how many notes there are here?

Turtle: I keed, I keed! But, seriously. I wonder if Arthur won't make Leto his queen because he wants his queen to be someone less bitchy.

Valentine: I think he's nice.

Turtle: Of course you do. Moving on. Ben and Tahiri get together for their messed up alligator fighting date at the weapons locker.

Valentine: And Alice is actually pretty sensible in hosing herself down outside the dorms after the sewer crawl. Zack gets hosed off, too, and is very okay with Alice being mostly naked. Worf is having a very good day, and also gets hosed. Edmund, however, seems too busy staring at mostly-naked Alice.

Turtle: Ugh. Boys.

Town

Valentine: In the preserve, Adora tries to telepathetically communicate with the alligators. Luckily, Ronon's there to chop of its head before it chomps off hers.

Turtle: Over at Covent Garden Flowers, Hurley is blissfully unaware of alligators. Until Detective Constable Day shows up to make sure he's okay, anyway. Detective Constable Day also checked in on Jen at Pizza Planet, who had things under control thanks to blasters. Valentine?

Valentine: Yeah?

Turtle: Do you see Detective Constable Day's name on all the notes? Daisy?

Valentine: Um. *rustling papers* Yes.

Turtle: I swear, that woman lives to make more work for me! Ugh. Anyway, Over at the Gig, Miss Davis defends herself with a pitchfork, although Mister Minsc offers some help. Tyler made it to the Perk for a meeting with Hillshire and Tyler, while Jack Burton just had a muffin craving that would not quit.

Valentine: Miss Connel barricaded the hotel and they had alligator nuggets on special. Oh, Gunther.

Turtle: Harper armed herself with a baseball bat at Things Reborn; Detective Constable Day promised her a trooper escort and asked her to keep an eye on the window.

Valentine: Liir panicked a little at the book store, but the long arm of the law checked up on him, too.

Turtle: Hope was doing a wonderful job of keeping Turtle & Canary alligator-free. Keep it up, Hope! And, of course, Detective Constable Day showed up to check on her.

Valentine: ...at least she's very thorough in her job?

Turtle: *grumblemutter*

Valentine: Eve was at the York Gallery, and, hey, guess who showed up, Turtle.

Turtle: The Beatles?

Valentine: No, but she's British.

Turtle: Jenny electrocuted alligators outside of Pixie Dust, and, hey, guess who showed up, Valentine.

Valentine: Elvis?

Turtle: Oooh, good guess, but no.

Valentine: Tim fought alligators with a crystal sword at the boardwalk and, hey, Turtle, guess who helped him out.

Turtle: Hercules?

Valentine: Awww, close, but no cigar.

Valentine: Arya was a little tired from alligator fighting over at Coyote Medicine, and, yup, there was the Detective Constable.

Turtle: Good Lord, she's almost as bad as Jamie was. And she's only one person! Anyway, Miss Graham skated her way to safety at Guilty as Charged, but had Detective Constable Day to escort her home afterwards.

Turtle: Agnes chained up one alligator to a lightpost as a warning to other alligators at the Magic Box, and she tries to sell magical weapons to Detective Constable Day when she comes by. ...Agnes. Why are you not working at my store?

Valentine: A warning only as long as the lamppost holds up, anyway. Daisy checked in on Agnes, although she seemed to have things under control. Then Deadpool hung up posters for an adult-only slumber par--

Turtle: *groan*

Valentine: ...you look a little green, Turtle.

Turtle: Har har, Valentine. I don't need to hear some of those words together in the same sentence, Valentine. Anyway, at the Freelance Police, Mr. Sam and Mr. Max discussed the fact that there are alligators out there that need to be shot at.

Turtle: Valentine and Chuck still went on their date at Taste of Thai...how'd that go, anyway?

Valentine: No complaints. And, more important, no alligators.

Turtle: You went on a date with Chuck Bass and all you can say is 'no complaints, no alligators?'

Valentine: It was the best date I ever had.

Turtle: Really?

Valentine: Really. It was very nice, his food recommendation was excellent, and he even gave me this.

Turtle: Holy [MICROPHONE FEEDBACK].

Valentine: That's one way to put it.

Turtle: Holy [MICROPHONE FEEDBACK]....At Caritas, Mister Bindo now has some new pet goldfish. Then poor Miss Cabot was chased in there by alligators. I'll have to make sure to bring her something for nerves on Monday.

Valentine: Daisy relaxed in the tub after a long day of shooting alligators, and Ben came to visit, since he had an alligator in his pantry. He should get that fixed.

Turtle: And Doctor Cornick cleans up after the fight, only to head out of town. Here's Mister Reilly and his pantry alligator, I think we got those out of order.

Valentine: And Buffy's on patrol, looking to find herself some alligator shoes.

Turtle: Literally?

Valentine:...yes, Turtle. Literally.

Turtle: They're cheaper at Turtle & Canary, Buffy!

Valentine: Shockingly, there are no alligator related injuries at the clinic. That's...impressive. Or a fault in the reporting system.

Turtle: Either way, there was a lot of gator fighting today, especially in the park, where Arthur and Merlin found out that Merlin's sheilding spell didn't last long enough to save them from exploding gators. Zack, of course, was hyper to help Arthur and round up fighters for the sewer. And, although Merlin's kind of grossed out by Zack being covered in gator guts, they talk about Arthur and Merlin's good magic and sword balance. Arthur agrees that Dinah could do well to get a gun, while Zack provided cover for her goldfish TK-ing, then she's not sure if she's grossed out or impressed by Merlin exploding a gator. Grossed out, Dinah. Definitely grossed out.

Valentine: Dinah and Fiona double-teamed on some goldfish, while Ino and Arthur worked together to trap and explode them, and then Ino talked with Zack about how all this blowing up things just so much fun...

*sigh*

Anyway, Ino shouts out warnings for Fiona to know when to shoot and Dinah complimented Ino's effectiveness, but Zack's mood fails to be effective in altering Fiona's annoyance at getting all bloody. Arthur and Fiona take the left flank and he suggests she take some of the other fighters deeper into town, while Fiona seemed a little disheartened about Leto seeing her covered in blood and guts...

Turtle: ...of course she was...

Valentine: But why? I mean, everyone was. Isn't it expected?

Turtle: ... You're actually sincere about that question, aren't you? Man, Valentine, I kind of envy you right now. Either way, Zack let Leto know about the hunt for more fighters, and Merlin and Leto exchanged unenthusiastic waves. Arthur gave Leto the 411 on the strategy, and Dinah provided Leto with a drive-by squealing.

Valentine: Worf makes the suggestion to Arthur about heading into the sewers, and told Zack to count him in. A, quote, 'helmeted figure in pink spandex'...

Turtle: I think the squirrel just wanted to mention pink spandex.

Valentine: Well, who wouldn't. Anyway, she showed up and Zack let her know where others needed help. Arthur wondered if the spandex wonder had a shield, but apparently she doesn't need it. She has spandex. Himura paused his battling to schedule a practice with Fiona, while Zack explained how this happened often and reinforcements were good. Arthur and Himura are in agreement that this was insane.

Turtle: It takes Arthur a moment to realize that the large white wolf fighting gators wasn't Blind Seer, and Dinah was just glad he was another good guy. Elspeth and Gwena join the fray, delighting Zack because he got to see a horse. Himura wonders if Elspeth would work well in a fight, and if she'd join them, which was a lot better than what he told me, which was to get out of the way into a tree.

Valentine: Ben and Tahiri seemed to have enjoyed their date of shooting and fighting alligators...

Turtle: You keep shaking your head, Val.

Valentine: I'll explain later, Turtle, when the whole island isn't listening. Either way, Himura and Ben talk about the fight and Ben's just glad the mess isn't too much to ruin his appetite for dinner later, and Tahiri helpfully supplied an explaination of what the alligators were to Himura.

Turtle: And then there's the decent into the sewers. Zack and Fiona made plans to go shopping for new, non-gutsy clothes after this. Remember, you guys! Turtle & Canary has great styles for great prices! And Ino tells Zack she's in it to be a healer, though she's good at combat. Oh! Hey! Val! Then guess who showed up?

Valentine: Buddha? Cleopatra? Jesus?

Turtle: All good guesses, but wrong, wrong, wrong. It's okay. I never expected you to guess that it was Detective Constable Day. She never does anything; how nice of her to come out to help with the alligators and talk to Fiona about her yo-yos. She acquaints herself with Zack and the plan, and Ino assures the intrepid officer that they're all very well trained to participate in this successfully. Rose introduced herself to Zack and offered to come along, and then Himura showed up, and Zack told him they had a healer. Wonder if he asked her to stay in the tree.

Valentine: Dinah arrives, fed and fresh on the scene, and Gabrielle was a little apprehensive, but ready to go. Alice joins although she had no idea what was going on, and Sam and Max thought it was a bad idea but joined in anyway. Oddly enough, I don't find fault in these strategies...

Turtle: And then into the sewers they went! Fiona volunteered to do some tracking and Himura took the rear...

*chittering*

Man, you squirrels are pervs. Rose and Dinah want flamethrowers and soap, both of which are items you can find for great deals at Turtle & Canary! Alice compliments Rose on her axe, and we have some of those, too! Okay, more like hatchets, but still! Gabrielle fell into the muck, ewww, and double eewww since Dinah explained to her what exactly a sewer was.

Valentine: And Sam and Max shot the sewage. Helpful.

Turtle: And also gross. Can you imagine the smell?

Valentine: I picked through gator guts today. It couldn't be that bad.



Turtle: I think that's a good note to leave on. If we run into any alligators on the way home, Val, you can just inspect their guts with a scalpel.

Valentine: Do you have a scalpel?

Turtle: No, but we can pick on up at Turtle & Canary, real good price! Remember, everyone, as you nurse your alligator wounds, to vote for radio broadcasters and a vote for Wexler-Wiggin...

Valentine: Wexwig?

Turtle: You so did not just name smush us. Anyway, vote for us, take care, watch out for alligators, good night and have a prosperous tomorrow!