Jenny: --And one more thing, what the bloody [DEAD AIR] happened to your hair?

Reno: S' the new style, yo. Two feet of ponytail had to go, at the behest of the [DEAD AIR] Vice-[DEAD AIR] Principal and his flaming- Oh, [DEAD AIR], are we on the air already?

Jenny: At least before you could see where you were going with the whole postmodern hairstyle and whatnot. Now it's just...tragic. Oh, [DEAD AIR] me, we are. Hello, Fandom, and welcome to another week of Booze and News with Jenny and Reno, now with even more tragic hair.

Reno: It ain't that tragic, is it? I mean... hair grows? ... Took me, uh, six years to grow it to where it was. But hair grows! ... Right?

Jenny: I've heard rumors of a koala or something that lives in the woods, and when it bites you your hair grows. Wanna go look for it after the show?

Reno: ... The hell's a koala?

Jenny: They live in trees and they're cute, but they're from Australia so they can probably kill you six ways.

Reno: ... Was my ponytail worth dyin' for? It's a tough call, yo.

Jenny: You look like a [DEAD AIR]. But it's your call.

Reno: .... I'm gonna pretend I didn't hear that. I'm gonna pretend I didn't hear that, and I'm gonna pick up the notes, and I'm gonna read 'em, yo.

Jenny: You do that.

Reno: I will.

Classes, Where They Got Hair

Reno: Inside Out class today talked about what they learned while stuffin' their faces, yo. This might'a meant lots of talkin' with their mouths full, but on the last week of classes, who gives a [DEAD AIR] about manners, anyhow? There was listening, eating, and some crazy chick called Giselle told Juli about singing about pain and panic or somethin'? Girl sounds like a dangerous psychopath, yo. Be careful around her, or you might'a rather been mauled by a koala. Friday learned that Greek gods are insane. They're also real bad for your hair. Hoshi learned that different people got different taste in food, yo. And, you know, the teacher was there, an' stuff.

Jenny: Indeed. Aly finally figured out how to do less work and combined How To Look Like You Belong and Courtly Dancing. First she talked, then the students had to get dressed so they would, you know, belong, and then they danced and ate, which are indeed things one does at dances, so both parts of the manifesto seem to be represented there. There were TAs, and Aly bribed one of them with a cookie because apparently he's five. Torture class--I mean, Karaoke--had a performance. The students got ready to get onstage and sing, and there was an audience, as is implied by performance. Johnny and Savannah exchanged looks--isn't he the one that tied her up? Are they still on speaking terms? Because I would have burned his clothes; I'm just saying.

Reno: I dunno about you, but if he tied her up, and nothin' good came of it, I think he's really got a lot to learn, yo. But then, this is the guy who wanted her to get outta his lap so he could see the TV, ain't he? Okay, back to notes. He and Mary talked about Mary's stand-up career, and then students made total fools of 'emselves. Er. They sang. So did Mike, who did a song that Mary loved, yo. Intergalactic Justice had somethin' to do with haggis, and I'm quickly learning that the more I don't know about the subject matter of that class, the better, so I ain't even gonna ask what it is. The students were amused as they chose a herring, an egg beater, or a blaster in order to fight some guy with a monkey for a head, a goldfish named Bob, or Evil the Cat, before they ate the haggis. And if they were eatin' it, now I really don't wanna know what it is, yo. They saved the princess, there was a Jim, and they lived happily ever after. With haggis.

Jenny: If there really was haggis they can't possibly have lived happily ever after. Anemone opened the library, and Jack came in. Ghanima was gleeful during her office hours, possibly because of Aly, who stopped by to offer her glitter, or maybe it was Lulu, who brought cookies. Maybe they were glitter cookies. Murdock worked on a letter during his office hours, and Fraser, rearranged his file cabinets. Because he had a pressing filing emergency or something, I don't know. The cheerleaders practiced, and Aly coached them. The horror.

Dorms, Where They Also Got Hair

Reno: This evening, Chris was relaxin' and watchin' DVDs. A nice way to wind down after the worst freakin' weekend ever. Savannah stopped by to tell him about her weekend, about how much her boyfriend fails at makin' proper use of zipties (And okay, I admit I'm just speculatin' that's what the notes mean), and about stayin' at her brother's for a while. Sean was a real thoughtful guy and stopped by Savannah's to bring her booze. Lana curled up to drink tea. Earl Grey. Hot. Elsewhere, Johnny had himself a shower and a beer before Savannah stopped by, and they were real loud. I dunno if this means he figured out what to do when a girl's tied up or not, so feel free to use your imaginations, yo. Anders stopped by to slam Johnny into a wall, which led to wrestlin'. And Lana stopped in to be depressed at him over sleepin' with Tony Stark, yo.

Jenny: Depressed over--okay, but I've seen Tony Stark. Is he just really [DEAD AIR] in the sack? My co-host made an apparently very lengthy phone call. Would you like to tell us about it, co-host?

Reno: Work thing. Boss is nuts. Broke my brain. See how my eyelid's twitchin'?

Jenny: I thought it always did that.

Reno: ... More'n usual?

Jenny: Oh. Oh, yeah, I see that. Blair knocked on John's door and found out about his personal hair tragedy. So she gave him booze. In happier news, the island's student amphibian count went down by one today, as Jack Burton is no longer a whatever-he-was. Alice decided to wear jeans and a t-shirt, and this is news, and Dean stopped by to check in on her. Giselle read a romance novel, and Toby offered some suggestions for further reading. Then Jaina came by to not rescue Giselle again. In Ino's room, she made notes on her bed, and then was pissy at Liir for not calling. Since when are they dating?

Reno: I can barely keep my head on my shoulders enough to keep my own relationship in order. Don't go askin' about Ino's love life to me, yo. In the third floor bathroom, John woke up to a haircut even worse than mine! Hah! John, you just totally made my freakin' night, man! Hunt me down, and I'll buy you booze or somethin', because you earned it, yo! Lois stopped in to get him to sign her cast, and then John wrapped a shirt around his head to hide his shame before runnin' away like the real man he is. He was totally busted by Jaina, though she had to talk at him through a door. Amber had a script. She looked through it. Ned had the hiccups- this is news- and did some real weird junk tryin' to cure 'em. Including baking a pie. I dunno if that's a hiccup cure, but damn, I'm sorry I didn't get none. Meg suggested he eat some sugar, though I'm thinkin' there's sugar in the pie, right? Kaylee just scared the crap outta him before talkin' about Mount Olympus. And probably about batshit insane gods. They are, you know. Real nuts.

Jenny: I know. Believe me, I know.

Town, Where There's Still Hair

Jenny: Jeff celebrated all things Russian at the Arms Hotel. I know a Russian or two I'd like to celebrate, yes dirty. Turtle brought sandwiches, and they discussed moving in together. Kerrigan was at the beach in the morning, and talked to Harriet about Hades and his suckitude. Romeo was at Pixie Dust, and Michael opened Luke's Diner, where Stan got a bite to eat and Mary put up a flyer. Lana opened Book Haven. G'Kar was at Turtle and Canary. You know, the usual. At the Park, Xander had the volunteers put up "No Rampaging" signs, which I doubt will do any good, but maybe they make him feel better. Bridge and Xander kept an eye on each other in the morning, and Hoshi thought the signs were funny. Lunch was quiet, there was no ogling, more's the pity, and Xander was around doing Xander things.

Reno: At Wellspring Arms, Temari was watchin' a cat and a chihuahua, yo. Alice was surprised to find out that she was the only one from the meditation group thing that showed up today. And I would like to take this opportunity to thank the rest of you for not showin' up. That makes my job a hell of a lot easier on Tuesdays, yo. The kitten attacked the dog, and then Alice went over her routine under the kitten's watchful eye. Cats that just stare like that are creepy. Just sayin'. At Stark Industries, Tony was workin' on somethin' when Steve stopped by to return somethin' else. Alice showed up to work at Groovy Tunes, and Murdock stopped by to check up on her, yo. Thoughtful guy, ain't he?

Jenny: If you say so. Geoffrey wasn't about to let a little thing like having been dragged into hell stop rehearsal from happening at the Boards, especially now that they've finally finished casting. Amber and Geoffrey talked about the weekend, and Cal discussed his ideas. Geoffrey told Michael how important his part is, which translates to 'extra number three.' Naomi waited for direction, and Geoffrey helped G'kar get in touch with his inner madness, whatever the [DEAD AIR] that means. Theatre people, honestly. G'kar checked on Amber, and Amber and Cal passed notes; good to see they're still teenagers. At the mini golf course, Adam was working, and that pastry man was happy to see no more mummies at Caritas. Wyatt manned the clinic in the evening, and Chris brought Savannah in so he could heal her injuries. Injuries?

Reno: Maybe Johnny didn't figure out the finer points of the art of tyin' a girl up, after all? Elsewhere, Faith and Renee discussed important topics, like are vampire lemurs weirder than naked alligator wrestlin'? Maybe, maybe not, but only one of those two things is somethin' I'd pay good gil to watch, yo. Ghanima and Faith had themselves a talk, too, about if Faith's ex should be fed to the lemurs. Would probably give 'em indigestion, yo. Think of the poor lemurs.

Jenny: Hee. Lemur is a funny word. Leeeeeeemur. I'm not stoned, I swear.

Reno: It's the smell of burned hair, yo. Makes you kinda loopy.

Jenny: Maybe it's just because you look funny.

Reno: You're gettin' high on my hairdo?

Jenny: That must be it. Let's cut the rest of it off; we can sell it on the street and make a fortune.

Reno: It's the good stuff, yo. But I think the school can only handle one John-'do at a time.

Jenny: I guess you're right. For the good of the school, you can keep your hair. I'm being generous.

Reno: It's either that, or we hunt John down and shave him bald, yo. We done?

Jenny: I don't know, are we going to hunt John down and shave him bald, or are we hunting koala? Or are we just hunting more booze?

Reno: We could hunt down booze, and then hunt down John, and then make him hunt down a koala for us. Or just hunt down booze and drink until we pass out. Either way, I'm sayin' good night, because I gotta get drunk, yo.

Jenny: I'm Jenny Sparks, and I support this message. Plan. Thing. Good night, all you silly little people out there. Stop cutting each other's hair off.