"Hey, folks. Eric Weiss here, completely happy to not have to deal with family this year, because reading over these notes... There's like no envy here.

School and School-Related Activities

Constant Vigilance learns about dangerous aliens. If variety is the spice of life, the The Doctor is eating Cream of Wheat.

Energy and Fitness students get to hit each other with big sticks. Your tuition money is put to good use here at Fandom High, parents.

Aziraphale shows Prophecy Lab All! New! Divination! techniques. Maybe it's a crossover class with Energy and Fitness. I know I'd see funny things if I got whacked with a big stick.

Health talks about sex, baby. Or how to put your schwing-schwong in a lady's bjango. Apparently Professor Reid turned so red by the end of class that she could've doubled for the Kool-Aid Man's skinnier cousin.

The Library is open for all of your sleeping needs. Blair and Sam W. bond over crazy parents. Think of it as the first pebble before the avalanche.

Moving Around Campus

The Gym is where we sublimate our teenage angst into healthy, constructive violence.

River and Blair have cute. It's a disease. Get cuddles. Help. Get help.

Aeryn and John! You can't be fighting! You're my heroes! Wait, I never met either of you. Carry on.

Izzy joins the Eric Weiss Association for No Parents This Weekend. Enjoy it. Seriously. Family's messed up. Oh, wait. Her brother shows up later.

Marty finds out that Angela's gone blonde. I'm shocked. Just shocked. The world needs to stop shifting under my... wait, I never met Angela, either.

Willow has an embarrassing encounter with Peter's brother. It does not involve sex, although it's in the general vicinity. Good work, Willow.

Lana Lane, Lex Luthor, Lavender Brown. One of these things isn't quite like the others.

JD makes paper cranes and wishes he was like the other boys. He considers joining the pirate corps, but they won't have him. Thankfully, his brother comes in... Dude, who's Johnny?

Cally has guilt over normal teenage lust. You'll never survive high school with that attitude, Missy.

Teddy gets a special visitor of no importance, superheroic or otherwise. The squirrels have that underlined three times. So... how is that news, then?

Apparently Sam Carter vanished. Jack tells Cedric, I'm telling you. Now who's going to tell us what the fuck is going on?

Bel's got Daddy issues. Phale and Wilson help him work through them. Maybe they'll help him accept who he really is -- a guy named Belthazor. See how it looked like I was going for the gay joke and then I didn't? Oh yeah.

It's a Summers-Winchester-palooza in room 428. That's my fake little sister, guys. If I hear word one that she was mistreated, I'm totally looking at you sternly in the halls for a week.



Parents Weekend Meet and Greet

Everybody's gotta register. It's the law. Or a really polite suggestion. But Fraser would like your weapons, and that's not a suggestion. It's still polite, though. I mean, dude, he's a Mountie.

The food and drink table was a popular destination. The Broots brood bothered... well, Broots. Angela's dad and Tamaki discuss imitation crab, accept no substitutes. Edmund is precocious. Great. A bratty little brother. Just what the weekend needs. Nikki and Shawn could go on all night about their lives. I couldn't. JD's brother hits on Kira. Obviously the charm runs in the family. Peter Griffin gets visited by a sarcastic talking dog. Please, Fandom has the patent on sarcastic talking housepets. Faithful should have a word with this pooch. Isabel finds her twin brother, who has ears rivaling the Doctor's. Must be an alien thing. Kira wants shiny bald love from Lex. Lana ain't havin' none of that, no sir. Just because your mother works at Fandom High doesn't mean there aren't new faces to embarrass you. Rory learns this the hard way. Shocking news in the world of Gary-the-King -- Alanna has breasts. Dude, I've known that since I got here. That wacky Simon is back with his fun-lovin' captain, and they're double-teaming Kaylee. With conversation. Dirty minds, man. Dirrrrrty.

Over at the general mingling area, Marty meets up with Marcella, who's happy to have been frisked. Who isn't? ... Forget I said that. A different Buffy than our Buffy who is apparently Dawn's Buffy meets Seely who looks exactly like Angel, whoever that is. Okay, I'm calling our Buffy Buffy #1 and Dawn's Buffy Buffy #2. Just to be clear. Arthur Hellsing -- Walter's guardian -- hits on Buffy #2. Dawn to the rescue! *plays the Bitterwoman theme* Briar meets his family. It's family planting. Get it? Planting? Ah, never mind. Pip and his grandfather yack in French. Excusez-moi! Ma grandmère est flambé. Hey, everyone! Jamie's married! Who's gonna tell Marie? That'd be the stunning lass with the Scottish burr. Buffy #1 meets Mom, wants to shop. The cheerleader wants to shop. Stop, I'll die of shock. The Egyptian Wonder Siblings hug and hug and hug. Mommy Draco flounces over to her baby bird. Billy meets his guardian and speaks full sentences. With separate clauses. He even strings them one after the other. I can't believe the apocalypse is here already. Steve Rogers looks for Teddy. The Marquis looks for his charge. Together, they find love. Otherwise known as people are meeting people and it needs more sex. I'm dying of boredom, here. Zero's parents are punk rockers, but you probably knew that. Jude and Blair flee The Man. Or The Ron. Whichever you prefer. Alphonse and Winry -- they're blonde. Parker becomes a totally softie for Daddy. I think that's scarier than anything else. Where's our hardcore bitch who takes no prisoners? I miss her! Hermione gets somebody else's parents. It happens to the best of us, dude. OMGWTF DINOSAUR!

Our Town In the Middle of Our Island

The Hotel is open. Get a room, because the Troopers don't like vagrants.

A well-muscled fellow checks out Giles' shop. And Empire Records. And Sparky Repairs. Maybe he's looking for the phone book?

Parker takes her guests to Cafe Fina. Oh good -- somebody actually eats there.

Booth does the Hokey-Pokey and he turns himself around. But the Marquis will not tell him what it's all about.

Jude's got them Frozen Food blues, oh yeah

Missouri's in the Perk. I knew that physics could get funky on the Island, but woah. Jake's daddy doesn't love him. But Krycek does. Bow-chick-bow-bow. Hikaru separates from the sibling unit to go on a date with Sakura.

Luke's Diner is open for all your chow needs. Isabel and Jack attempt to explain Fandom to Max. I'm not expecting miracles. Jaye takes her incredibly handsome brother to the diner. By incredibly handsome, I mean, you know... 'sup?

Guido and Rahne break some bad news to Jamie. No idea what, but our heart goes out to you, Jamie. And you, Jamie. And you. And you. And you. Andyou'n'you'n'you...

This Just In...

Blair's mom and Lex Luthor are getting it on.</a. That's all from me tonight folks. Be sure to tip your parents for not bringing out the baby pictures. Catch you next week!"