Okay, okay, I'll read it. Just... just lay off, okay?

Ahem. Hello, my name is insert name here.

*chitters*

Look, I don't know it, okay? I didn't investigate or whatever. Fine. Whatever. My name is John Doe and I am here of my own free will. I was not kidnapped by squirrels who don't remember where they put the rum. However, if their rum is not found in the next two hours, they will lay waste to this town and school news.

*chitters*

The first card said "this town and" and the second card said "school news." Do you want me to--

*chitters*

Okay, I'll just keep reading.

Elsa ended up doing a shift in the library pretty much at random since she didn't know what all was going on. But since etiquette books lent her a hand, she decided to read them.

In the dorms, people mostly freaked out about waking up without their memories. Garik's face freaked him out, which sounds scary. Flick checked out the dirty pictures on his phone. Barry cursed a lot, but at least he has a normal name, so he's ahead of the curve, to be honest. Alana was trying to fly with her wings on the dorm lawn.

Travis tried making sense of things in the second floor common room, where Four ended up for breakfast. After confirming that neither of them remembered anything, they decided to use the buddy system. And Kaylin and Nathan tried to figure things out on the sixth floor while ballpitting, which is apparently a word.

And in town, things were pretty much the same but older.

Anders and Edward woke up in the Preserve together and couldn't figure out if they were related or just having relations - hopefully not both. Flash woke up with an alien on him. Stiles and Derek figured out their relationship by watching their sex tape. And Jono and Raven had all sorts of issues, from his face being on fire to Jono being in her head to him being handcuffed to the bed.

Not gonna lie, that whole thing sounds weirdly hot.

Jaye woke up in the hotel and freaked out about a wax lion. Clint and Kitty woke up and were savaged by dogs. Probably not savaged. But it's more exciting that way. And Tamsin and Bo woke up together, with Tamsin caring way more about Bo's hotness than the lack of memory thing, and okay, this is hotter than that other thing.

Hannibal remembered who he was, which means that I kinda hate him, and he fed flamingos with shrimp. He got a call from Raven and was able to reassure them that everything about their situation was cool except for the amnesia part. Then she and Jono showed up to discuss their morning.

Over at the Perk, Natalie was trying to figure out who she was by going through her wallet...

Oh wait. *rustles* Jonathan Storm! Hello, my name is Jonathan Storm. We can fix that in post, right?

*chitters*

Oh wait, this is live? Who thought that would be a good idea?

*CHITTERS*

Yikes, okay, sorry. Jonathan Storm reporting that Sam ended up at the Perk too, and they decided to band together to get through this amnesia.

Nikolai woke up with a goat at the Arms and somebody pointed him to the front desk to do his job, which hopefully didn't involve any more sleeping with goats.

Sia got lost while walking her dog around town, which is easy to do without any memories.

Anakin was drowning his lack of memories in coffee and pastries at J'agob when Aeryn came in and they planned to do violence to whoever caused this forgetfulness.

And Dani couldn't remember anything, so she hung out with the horses at the Gig.

Burn down the rubble. Oh, wait, there was another card with the threats. They will lay waste to the town and burn down the rubble. So people of wherever we are, help them find their rum or despair.

Oh, I forgot to mention it, I spotted this cabinet that says "RUM" like five cards ago.

*CHITTERS*

Yeah, it is kind of weird that there are those two empty spaces in the cabinet. You guys probably got to that before the memory thing happened.

*chitters*

No, dude, I've always had these super pointy boobs. It's cold in here. So I'm going to get going now that everyone's happy. By the way, I'm throwing a Let's Make Some Mistakes We Won't Remember Party on the third floor of the dorms today. I'll supply the refreshments, you guys supply yourselves! Especially the cute girls.