Fandom Island, stop everything you're about to do and listen to me for a moment. Don't shower today. Don't. Just trust me on this. I learned the hard way, and I'll be reeking like mulled liquor for the rest of the bloody day. There. That's your breaking news for this morning. I'm Jonothon Starsmore, I'm not actually completely pissed no matter how I might smell, and now I'm going to read you the rest of the news while contemplating throwing myself in the Atlantic bloody ocean, which I'm certain will end beautifully for me if I do.

Over at the School, Criminal Justice went on a stakeout. Cultural Exploration got a breathtaking view from a glass ledge in Dubai, and Kaidan's Space! class got to learn about interspecies sexual relations. Between sentient beings, at least. That's not terribly unheard of where I'm from. Most aliens seem to be fairly similarly shaped to humans, and, hell, even members of the same species aren't always quite the same species. Kaidan got to deal with students oversharing, or Cade oversharing in particular, and with Mordin asking for more texts on the matter. The Ice King had his Princess Stealing class talking about things you might give to a princess in order to keep them happy. Jackson wasn't completely sold on whatever the point of the class was supposed to be.

Our intrepid Student Council met to discuss plans for holiday break. Or, at least, plans to put out coffee for students during exam week. Kitty Pryde held office hours yesterday, too, with things set up to keep people from slipping on the icy patch in the hallway.

Over in the Dorms, Maddie was a little stymied by the gun vending machine in the lobb-- WHY THE HELL IS THERE A MACHINE VENDING GUNS IN THE LOBBY OF THE DORMS!?

*Chittering* *Acorn thunks*

No, I will not calm down! Somebody get that bloody thing out of there, this minute! It's one thing that they're popping up around town, but in the dorms?

*Thunkthunkthunkthunkthunk-*

Naff off. Fine. I'll finish reading the bloody notes, and then I'll see if I can figure out who the hell thought that was a good idea. In Town, Stiles was at the old mansion, apparently dying of the common cold. Derek was hovering while Stiles carried on about going home crying to his mother in spite of the medication he was offering, and Mike helped catch Stiles up on all of Fandom's wintry insanity. Did I mention not to shower today? Don't step into a bloody shower today. Don't buy guns from the vending machine in the dorm lobby either. Bloody hell.

At Freedom Arms, Alec was occupied, mopping up melting ice. Around town there were workers installing vending machines - and in the dorms, what the hell - and there were boxes of money popping up, much to Riley's confusion. Tamsin was having none of April's attempts to get her to go ice skating on the duck pond... which is fair enough. Not everybody's a skater. I'd just end up on my bottom, I'm sure. Over at Turtle & Canary, Apu was at a loss for how to deal with manager Mike Ehrmantraut's rules about when Christmas decorations get to go up. For the twelve days of the holiday, and not a moment sooner.

... I can get behind that policy.

And at Caritas, Mike Lane's good deed in helping Zombie Yoko up from the ice she slipped on was rewarded with money. There we go. Good deeds for money. Which seems a fair bit less ridiculous than certain vending machines in certain dormitories. Honestly, would the school administration please do something about that?

What the hell is this island coming to?