Chuck: Humphrey, you need to keep drinking. You're making me feel like a drunk.

Dan: I'm going to be honest with you, Chuck. I've been passing my shots to the squirrels.

Chuck: Why? Everyone's acting like a dumbass, we should join them.

Dan: I'm just not much of a drinker.

Chuck: You suck. We are not related.

Dan: No. No we're not.

Chuck: Oh, right. I'm the one from the future, not you. Remember this two years from now.

Dan: Can do, Chuck. Can we get on with the news now, please? There's kind of a ton of it.

Chuck: Fine, fine. Lemme refill my drink.



School

Chuck: Oh hey, I can still read. Clearly I haven't been drinking enough. Jono, who hasn't been hit by the weirdo bug, was playing Farmville during his library shift. Jak came by to have a manly conversation while Davy jumped in for books on travel. Or something. Jean chatted with Jono about timelines and her date. And Jono got freaked out by Death but then got to talking about her sweet robes. Why is it that bad people dress so nice? You're smart, Dan, why is that?

Dan: I don't know, Chuck, why do you dress so nice?

Chuck: Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. I see what you did there. You are just so creative, Dan. Really.

Dan: Stop calling me Dan. It's weirding me out.

Chuck: Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaniel.

Dorms

Dan: It's really creepy, dude. Stop it. Anyway, John Connor wanted to know where the guns were this morning. Hopefully far, far away from you crazy people. Layla brought John pancakes and got all cryptic, like Layla is wont to do. Fleur hasn't been able to contact her home and she and John got into a conversation about their communication issues. Leia had cookies, which should make people happy, but she ends up choking Jo so I guess they were kind of crappy cookies. Ben stalked both Leia and Tahiri and then stopped a fight between the two.

Chuck: What? You stopped a cat fight? What is wrong with you?

Dan: Calm down, Chuck. Alice got all creepy at Kate, which is weird, and Francine was hanging out in her room which is apparently not smart. Jennifer got a creepy call from Zack and ended up in the boiler room where she finds Zack and Alice being creepy and they want her to tell Jenova what she wants to know. Whatever the hell all of that means. Eventually Jennifer escaped and made her way back to her room, where Ellie finds her. Alice and Jenova were so busy arguing they didn't even notice Jennifer was gone at first. Annnnd Zack ends up choosing Jenova over Alice. It's been a traumatizing weekend for everybody.

Chuck: You don't even know the half of it.

Dan: I'll gladly take your word for it. Jack Dawson was out sketching on the deck and got visited by about a thousand people. Hannibal and Fleur complimented Jack on his art, while Peter Wiggin asked if Jack knew a guy named Ender. He doesn't but Hannibal does. He and Peter chat a bit about him before talking about just what people do on decks. Rose DeWitt Bukater has both a really long name and hot chocolate for Jack. Rose and Jack are in love I think but she gets all shocked when Hannibal suggests she sleep with him. Dude, ignore Hannibal. He's kind of an ass. Domino asks about Jack's art and Gwen got checked out as she looked for people she knew. Your turn, Chuck.

Chuck: Okay, okay. Bobby Drake was on the third floor making mac and cheese and got a visit from Jean. Bobby flailed because she was supposed to be dead. Oh, don't worry about it. I've died like three times. Lucifer, who is a dick, was on the roof and creeped Claire out. Seriously, he's a dick.

Dan: I would have thought you two would get along.

Chuck: You'd think that but you'd be wrong.

Dan: Fair enough.

Town

Chuck: Wolverine was at the Lighthouse chopping wood with his claws, whatever that means, and got the attention of Jack Burton. Harleen Quinzel invited Ellie to a party on the Illyria, but it was a ploy to take her hostage. Thankfully the goddamn Batman was there to save her. I don't even know what's going on right now. Some guy named Nathan was high, naked and hanging out at the pond. And I missed it? Goddammit. James and Adrian might be scarred for life by this. The two Miss Emma Woodhouses were surprised to see each other there because, you know, they're the same person. One of the Emma's scolded Nathan for his nakedness and then the other Emma asked if he's met her twin. Yes, yes he has. Nathan told Ashley about the joys of nudity and scared the hell out of Rose.

Dan: Holy crap, there's still a ton of notes. I think I'll take a shot now.

Chuck: That's the spirit. Get hammered.

Dan: I'm only doing this out of desperation. Cindy was out hunting people for some reason and got confronted by Wolverine. The Coors Beer Guy AKA Gibbs was talking about beer while canoing. I'm not surprised by that. Jameson talked beer with Gibbs. Again, not surprised. Makita was telling everyone what their brains would look like on drugs and Deadpool took this to be a sex thing. He would. Gibbs wanted to know if beer was a drug while Nikki tried to score some heroin. That's just awful. Layla came by to bring Makita more eggs and Proto was just confused as hell.

Chuck: Oh, look, another member for our club.

Dan: We're starting a club?

Chuck: Yes...no...um...probably not after I sober up.

Dan: Robin tried to talk to Gibbs about crime but Gibbs just wants to talk about beer, dammit. Deadpool was surprised that Gibbs was advertising bad beer and then he got hit on by both Nikki and Death. Weird. Nikki also hit on Gibbs but, again, he just wanted to talk beer.

Chuck: I'll talk about beer. It's gross. The end.

Dan: Insightful as always, Chuck. Miyako opened up Cafe Fina and Warren spent his time there trying to figure out who Momoko was. Kyle was at the Freelance Police and got a visit from Robin, who was reporting a clothing bandit. Blysse was visited by a blue Merlin and the naval cruiser Illyria got boarded by both Harley Quinn and Gabriel.

Chuck: If that's an angelic Gabriel then I'm gonna need a whole lot more alcohol. I'm tired of them. Save for the nice ones. Anyway, more news. Mulan helped Momoko pick out some flowers at the, you know, flower place. Gunn was looking for crazy Fandomites and found one in the form of Alice. Don't kill her. Everybody will probably be right by tomorrow. They better be. Mattie Merrill has an alliterative name and set up some sort of counseling services thing in one of the old warehouses. She helped Blue, Joan, Donna and Sophie figure out who they were in a past life. What's it matter? And in law breaking news, Miria and Momoko broke in to Wonka's to steal candy. Seriously? Candy? Are you four?

Dan: You never know, they might actually think that this weekend. Cobra Commander was watching the Oscars with a giant peach. ...alright then. Kyle brought James, the rightful owner of the peach, to the warehouse where they met up with the goddamn Batman. Some girl named Sam with a laser showed up and then all of them helped defeat Cobra Commander. Yay?

Chuck: I'll drink to it. Mark Antony was drunk and practicing sword drills in the park. I got stabbed in the chest with a sword once.

Dan: ...are you...serious?

Chuck: Yeah. It hurt. Anyway...Mat had been trying to avoid all the crazy people but failed horribly when he ran into Mark. And Clark was probably off being crazy, which would explain why Tino was alone at Caritas. Christopher Chance shared a drink with Sherlock Holmes and Paige talked to Kris, who thinks she's a chick named Ruby.

Dan: Wow, when you actually help the news goes a lot faster.

Chuck Bite me, Humphrey.

Dan: No thank you. You have anything else to say while you're drunk? I get the feeling you're gonna be a bastard with a hangover tomorrow.

Chuck: Nope. After what you dicks put me through this weekend, I say I'm allowed to be a bastard tomorrow.

Dan: Fair enough. Goodnight, Fandom.