Good evening, Fandom! This is Jim Halpert, and I'm moonlighting here before I've officially started my actual job. I'm not sure how exactly that worked out.

... Why are there squirrels in the broadcast booth? And why are they giving me cards saying 'Welcome back'? This is going to be a strange night, isn't it?

SCHOOL: Where learning happens.

And the new school year officially began with Applied Science, where Tyler lectured on simple machines. While Tyler was talking, Ben and Jonothon seemed happy to be in class together while Priestly and Dinah passed notes. And I'm apparently a tattler. Sorry guys. Good job, Jim.

The applied scientists kicked off the proud tradition of doing introductions, but then bucked trends by making simple machines. No word on whether or not anyone built a see saw to use as a catapult, but since none of my notes talk about students flying through the air, I'm going to assume that didn't happen. Or at least it didn't happen successfully.

Hubris From Revelation did the introduction thing while talking about the religions of everyone in the class. Is it too much to hope that somebody listed themself as a Pastafarian? Probably. It makes the Baby Flying Spaghetti Monster cry.

Physical Films kicked off the afternoon. And Ronon forced everyone to dress in uniforms that sound horrible. No, really, they're described in my notes. Yellow tank tops. Blue short shorts. Long white socks. Yikes. Ronon Dex knows fashion, clearly. Anyway, everyone had to pin a sign to their shirts with their name, a number, and a question. I think I'm going to play along, actually. Jim Halpert. 47. Why are those uniforms limited to gym class?

Care for Magical Creatures introduced the topic of faeries, with an 'ae.' Is that pronounced the same way as 'fairies with an ai'? That would be my first question if I needed to pins something to my shirt for that class. After the introductions, the topic turned to dealing with voles in three easy steps. And those steps are ignore them, spank them, and go on a tea date with them.

It sounds like dealing with voles is something you'd learn more about in Sex Ed. They played the introduction game and talked about what they wanted to discuss in the class. I assume it was more specific than 'sex.'

Boredom had set in in the office, Cal was back in the library, and Drake had coffee in the teacher's lounge. Colette wasn't a fan of the coffee while Summer didn't register any complaints.

Moving on to the faculty offices, Principal Winchester called Azula in to talk about her brother. Sirius spent his office hours pacing until Robin the Frog freaked him out by being a magical talking frog.... Okay. And Deadpool stopped in to make fun of his name. Remus was setting up his office before Sirius stopped in for a sanity check and Steve introduced himself as Remus's teaching buddy.

DORMS: Where sleeping happens.

The fifth floor common room was all abuzz after Hurley was drawn into an Expose marathon. Soda and popcorn helped convince him to stick it out. Understandably. Hurley and Penelope had an awkward conversation about naked people on TV and in real life. Ino showed up and took some time to catch up with Penelope about boys, friends, and ribbons. Ino talked to Hurley about a thievery and topics I think would be better discussed by Mr Bond in his class.

In the second floor common room, Jean worked on her student council posters. Word has it that the amount of glitter used can only be disguised as... classy. Bobby and Jean discussed student council, college, and... different universes. Okay?

Bobby told Jonas that he wasn't going to help with the posters unless Jean asked for help, Hayley introduced Jean to the concept of - and I quote my notes here - 'creepy blood posters' - wow - and Turtle gave Hayley a campaign cupcake. Bribery with snacks. Always a good way to get elected.

Jonas got a lesson in student government from Jean before he told her that he comes from a place where dancing is outlawed. And that is the plot of an 80's movie. Tybalt explained to Jean that politics is war, which is a rational take on it. And Diana checked in with him to see how he was doing.

Tybalt teased Bobby about being a penguin, which I assume is some kind of inside joke. Turtle got Tybalt with a cupcake, too. And Diana chased a talking cat into the common room.

Huh.

It sounds like Jean's reaction was pretty much the reaction I'm having right now.

Sookie and Jean discussed the pros and cons of running on a sparkly platform - meaning using glitter in the campaign, although I'm sure it would be funny to take it literally. Sookie and Jonas met for the first time. And Sookie had a completely serious discussion with Bobby on the passage of time. George Cooper and Jean talked about glitter somehow making boys kiss while Diana tried to get him to call her by her actual name. It didn't work out for her.

George and Bobby discussed the boykissy glitter too, leading to Hayley trying to convince George that boykissy is a great idea. I didn't even know 'boykissy' was a word until just now. But it was the topic of conversation for George and Sookie, so I guess I'll have to say it at least a couple more times.

Azula had a slightly confusing conversation with Jean about school before talking to Hayley about how they're adapting to Fandom. Something tells me they're less confused about it than I am tonight.

*chittering*

I think the squirrels are trying to tell me something. I also think I might be going insane, so let's move on.

Bobby checked in with Azula as well, but then the fireworks started to fly when Jean and Turtle realized they were campaigning for the same spot. Glitter versus cupcakes. Who will win?

Mirax was concerned about the glitter, Elle Bishop was concerned about the sheer amount of glitter, and Hayley and Elle talked about how they're adjusting to the future.

...

Did I read that right?

*chittering*

Wow, if this is some sort of prank, well done, whoever set it up. You're really going the extra mile here.

Moving away from the common rooms, Joan slept in until Liir transformed back from a cat.... Wow. And Joan told Penelope how awkward that was. Fiona woke up, also transformed back from a cat.... Really? ...next to Griff.

And Kelly Kapoor found her room? Oh, come on. That has to be a coinci... Huh. She told Hannibal about famous Kellies, flirted with her roommate, Jason, and was amazed by Sam's height and this is just weird.

Jonothon spent some time staring at his ceiling before being interrupted by Triela, who tried to welcome him to the floor, Jenny, who threatened him to make sure he stayed out of her brain, Didi, who he compared stories about their days with, and Raven, who was curious about him.

Katina and Dinah spent some time worrying about Francine. And Rose hung out with Jack Priest on the front lawn before they decided to get some ice cream.

TOWN: Where... other things happen.

The cupcake candidate opened up Turtle & Canary today with a pretty impressive sale for new people. Didi is a new person and decided to take advantage of the sale despite having no money. Azula took a more traditional approach to shopping. She had a list and everything.

Daisy had a visit from Dinah over at the Trooper Station. Ender had a visit from Ben at Stark Industries. And Irulan had hats at Imperial Brim.

It was End of Summer Cleaning time over at Luke's Diner, where Lacey was trying to get stuff to sparkle. A group of boys - Kyle, George, and Bobby - stopped in to talk about girls, but Kyle took a break to ask who exactly Luke was. And Tim stopped in for some breakfast.

Town Hall was open today, and Mayor Summers tried to balance work and a child. Meanwhile, Deputy Mayor Scherbatsky was ready to help people with any issues they might have.

Over at Things Reborn, Mirax was giving away reassurance for free. Annja was hiring at Coyote Medicine. Liz was set up at the Arms Hotel. And Alex tried to convince people the Magic Box was real with a sign.

Worf spent some time organizing things over at the place that refused to sell me a pointy stick, but then Kennedy showed up for conversation and sparring. Dimitri also stopped in and ended up having a conversation with Worf about various people, places, and things.

Elle Woods put in a hard day's work at Cabot and Associates, where Jack Priest stopped because he had some legal questions. Oz opened up Holiday Grove with a sign suggesting that it was time to start planning Halloween costumes. Not for me. I'm more of a 'What can I think of the night before' kind of Halloweener. Yes, I said 'Halloweener.' It's a word. Google it!

Vince danced for the animals at the Gig, where Dani gaped. Claire got her message board nerd on at the Android's Dungeon. And Morgan was naked in the confessional at the church because he had just turned back from a dog. Unfortunately for him, Castiel only had one pair of pants and couldn't share them.

I have so many questions about this place after tonight...

Covent Garden Flowers was the site of some letter writing by Vida. Aphrodite was bored with the fish at Decadent Delights until former cat Fiona stopped in for a chat. Kaylee also stopped in to look at things better discussed in Mr Bond's class.

Millie was on call at the clinic. Leda and Eleanor had a walk on the beach after dark. Worf showed Momoko his shuttle at the junkyard and that almost sounds like something for Mr Bond's class, too. And, finally, Dimitri went to Mina's apartment for what my notes insist was a date involving tea and conversation about vampires.

Well, Fandom, that's all from me tonight. And congratulations. I've been here three days and I'm so much more confused than I was when I first got here. That takes some talent. I'd give everyone a sticker, but I don't have any. And even if I did, I'm pretty sure the squirrels would take them first.

And on that note, good night!