Emmett: Hey, Fandom! This is Emmett Cullen and Chuck Bass bringing you the news during this now...I was going to say sex-free day but I honestly doubt that's going to stop now that there's no more weird-ass pollen.

Chuck: No, definitely not going to stop.

Emmett: I'm surprised you weren't laying in bed with a bag of ice on your junk when I came to get you.

Chuck: Why does everyone keep saying things like that to me? I am capable of showing restraint, you know.

Emmett: Chuck, the only time you and restraint have been together is when someone's got you tied to a bed.

Chuck: *laughs* Okay, you've got me there. Being tied up is fun though.

Emmett: Oh man. I like that too.

Chuck: Now I'm all distracted.

Emmett: Dammit, I am too.



Schooliness

Chuck: Oh-kay. Focus. Push bondage thoughts away until after the broadcast.

Emmett: Good game plan. Anyways, there's nothing for school because I guess even if there was something everybody would have been too tired to show up.

Dorminess

Emmett: Okay, actual news now. John and Jaina were still in sexytime mode until they were rudely interrupted by her comm.

Chuck: I don't see why that stopped you. I've taken a phone call while having sex. Didn't miss a beat.

Emmett: Dude.

Chuck: It's like a game! It's the "Try not to let the person on the other line know you're [feedback]ing" game.

Emmett: ...okay, that does sound like a fun game. I'm going to have to try it out sometime. Anyway, moving on. Ears was flailing like a spaz this morning. No one is surprised. Arthur started ordering him around and the two of them got into an argument about what Ears is to Arthur.

Chuck: Oh, for [feedback]'s sake. Can't people just screw these days?

Emmett: Something bothering you, Chuck?

Chuck: Yeah, you are.

Emmett: You are so snippy this evening. One would think you haven't gotten laid in a couple days but I know that can't be true. Anyways, Badgerface also stopped by to see Ears. By the way, congrats on finally tapping that ass, Ears. Fiona was upset and was making phone calls home and Jennifer came by to work on stuff for Alex Cabot and she and Fiona discuss their interest in law. I'm only interested in breaking the law. Turtle came back from her trip and Valentine wanted to know how the trip went. Katchoo was spending the morning smoking in bed and Badgerface came by for hugging and assurances that she didn't screw everything up this weekend.

Chuck: I swear to Zefron that if I hear anymore of this Lifetime [feedback] I'm going to throw up.

Emmett: I heard Katchoo wants to rip your eyes out, Chuck.

Chuck: Bring it on, sweetheart.

Emmett: Do you not have anything to live for or something? Rose woke up from a nightmare, I'm sorry, and left her room soon afterwards. Angela and Hannibal woke up all snuggly and she totally told him that she loves him.

Chuck: *gagging noises*

Emmett: Do I need to get the trash can?

Chuck: No, no I'm good. Just threw up in my mouth a little bit. Do we really need to put up with this crap?

Emmett: Dude, I'm kind of agreeing with you. I can't help but wonder when Valerie Bertinelli is going to show up and tell me her husband's beating her all while she is being persecuted at her law firm for being a woman.

Chuck: Did you ever see the one where the kid became addicted to internet porn and it started destroying his family? [feedback]ing hilarious.

Emmett: No. But now I need this movie in my life. Claire was relaxing with the Tony Awards, gay, and Dinah came by to discuss the goings on of the last few days. Ino was all bruised up and not in the mood to go to Fight Club and Peyton was sketching when Brooke came by with muffins. Shut up, Chuck.

Chuck: But the joke was right there! Moving away from tastless muffin jokes, on the fourth floor this morning Edmund was sitting on the floor eating soggy cereal. Valentine came in for breakfast and she and Edmund discuss if the black thing in the fridge is edible. If you're asking yourself that then it's probably not. My little sister approves of Edmund's sugary cereal but not of the fact that he approves of bran.

Emmett: Just the name bran brings up imagery of old naked people and shuffleboard.

Chuck: ...naked?

Emmett: I don't even know.

Chuck: Seriously. On the deck Alex was enjoying the fresh air now that he's not all horny and inside. I'm going to throw out a guess and say he's still horny. He's a guy. Helen and Alex introduced themselves and she said she didn't mind all the sex of last week but she didn't like not having control. Please. I was in complete control. Well. In a manner of speaking. In some cases the other person has control. Depends on who I'm with.

Emmett: Dude. No one wants to know.

Chuck: Everybody wants to know. Griff thanks Alex for being elsewhere when he hooked up with Brooke but it wasn't a total hookup because apparently he doesn't have sex. That...that doesn't compute. Griff teased Dinah about how popular she's been lately and she asks for advice on her complicated love life without getting into specifics. Break up with whomever you're with and screw around. That's my advice.

Emmett: You are going to be the best dad ever.

Chuck: Um, duh. I already know that. My kids were awesome. Even the scary one. Tony and Griff talk about The Darkest Night and ponies.

Emmett: Gay.

Chuck: Seriously. Fiona gave Griff a wave and Dinah introduced herself to Alex. She tells him that Deadpool radio is full of lies and tries to convince Alex that sex is more complicated and nerve-wracking than male part into female part. See, that's the thing. It's not! You people are making it so complicated on yourselves and it's driving you insane. Fiona is concerned about Dinah because she heard things and Dinah tells her about inaccurate radio. How dare you! Ellie explained to Alex that she hid out when her hormones were out of whack so she didn't get as much action as everyone else. Alex offers to remedy that next time it happens.

Emmett: Smooooooooooth.

Chuck: Buffy was glad nothing embarrassing happened to her over the weekend and Alex likes her smiley but she explains that her moods are liable to shift and change.

Emmett: Well, duh. She's a girl.

Chuck: You said it, not me. Tony asks if Alex is new to Fandom, which he is, and they get to know each other. Dinah flails to Tony about kissing and whether or not if she like likes George or not and whether he regrets stuff and, please, someone, kill me now before I have to read about anymore of this crap. Fiona was trying to curl up with a book and explains to Alex she wants low-impact interaction and Alex thinks she secretly wants attention because she came out on a deck full of people.

Emmett: Oh, snap! He called you out!

Chuck: Indeed. Annnnd Griff asked about Fiona's book and they flirt by talking about book burning and kicking. Yeeeeah. At least that's interesting, unlike some of the other crap I've been forced to report. Hey, speaking of interesting stuff, I was in the third floor common room this evening.

Emmett: I'm reading this. Who knows what kind of lies you'd make up about yourself. Joan and Eric talk about how Joan's mom once again signed up for a sex ed class for funsies. But she pointed out that kissing Chuck for the final last semester was nice.

Chuck: Thank you!

Emmett: People...don't encourage him. Eric told Chuck about how he slept with Arthur and how Ears turned him into a mouse before moving on to talking about Harper.

Chuck: Oh, right, that reminds me. Serena, sister of mine, we need to activate our Wonder Twin powers or something because there's an issue we've got to take of.

Emmett: That sounds foreboding. Chuck found it unfortunate that nothing particularly interesting happened for Joan during the last couple days and he explained that his week has been fairly normal for him. Out of control horny all the time, are you?

Chuck: Pretty much.

Emmett: Fair enough. Maron tells Joan about her quiet week and how she's been adjusting to Fandom. They bond a little bit on not being fighters and discuss the good and bad of Fandom weirdness. Oh, hey, the squirrels have informed me that you've taught Sam how to sit. Congratulations. And you also told him the story about the Dutch male snowboarding team and I don't think there's enough feedback in the world for that one. Sam assured Joan that he had a really good week but he's not into dirty sex unlike SOME PEOPLE. I assume he's referring to you.

Chuck: That would be my guess too. You know, for someone so grossed out by the idea of it, you were asking me a whole lot of questions about that Dutch snowboarding team, Samuel.

Emmett: Dude. Enough. Rose and Chuck couldn't complain about how things are and Chuck shared the horrors of No-Sex Week and how he ended up in jail that week.

Chuck: Oh, that was fun.

Emmett: You would find that fun. Maron was excited to introduce herself to Rose. No one is surprised. Eric offered food to Valentine and talked about how they are both cunning linguists. This squirrel is dirty. It's totally awesome. Rose talked to Valentine about breaking men with sex.

Chuck: Rose is totally my sister.

Emmett: Valentine and Chuck talk about Chinese food and how everybody but them are idiots full of hormones. Please. That's a lie. Valentine compliments Maron on having a room to herself so she could hide from the weird and Maron tells Chuck about how it's boring upstairs and how she likes people. And Brooke felt the need to tell Chuck she doesn't have STDs.

Chuck: Well it's good to know! I guess Riggins was clean after all.

Towniness

Chuck: Mitchell met George at the abandoned shack. Weird. Max the human and Sophie woke up together and decided they aren't bothered by sleeping with each other so they get it on again. Mary and Dani woke up in bed together, hot, and they talk about their previous experience with girls and about Dani's interest in hotel decor. Wow, one of those subjects is incredibly boring. I'll let you guess which. Tim was wondering what went on the last couple days and Veronica assured him it was the whole island, not just him. Brooke stopped by the clinic during Ronan's shift.

Emmett: My guess would be for an STD test. But we already know she's clean. Congratulations!

Chuck: Charlotte got a visit from Irulan at the York gallery and Jolee was bleaching the crap out of Caritas. I would too. Who knows what went on there? Anyways, the only visitor was Frog!Robin who drank chocolate milk and sang. How...quaint.

Emmett: Breathe, Chuck. Breathe. We're almost done. I'll just take those notes. Sam, not Winchester, hadn't noticed anything weird at Stark Industries and Gibbs caught up on Fandom weirdness of the past at the Trooper Station. Ghanima and Max discussed Max's abilities at the beach and Irulan stopped to look at the ocean. Tahiri and Blysse talked about Ben at the Gig and Daisy talked to the other Ben at Things Reborn. Daisy was at the Wellspring Arms with muffins for Biff, shut up Chuck, and Tony DiNozzo stopped by as well to use the shooting range. No word if he had muffins or not. Eric stopped being a mouse at the Pixie Dust and Harper stopped by and he's...he's not pleased to see her.

Chuck: Seriously, Serena. We need to stage an intervention or something. And oh yeah, while we're on the subject of Eric, the next person that decides to turn my little brother into an animal is going to wish they were dead when I'm through with them. Just saying.

Emmett: Your PSA's are always so thrilling, Chuck. Leto caught up with Irulan at the Perk and talked to Fiona about the past week. Zack was giving out hugs at the Fina. Dude. Weird. Fight Club met and Tyler was apparently acting like a five year old. Arthur and Leto were eyeing each other and Tahiri was avoiding Jaina. Leto asked after Zack and he is fine, thank you. Arthur and Zack also eye each other.

Chuck: I guess talking isn't the thing to do anymore.

Emmett: Guess not.Leto apologized to Triela and she informs him that she can't kill him but she can defend herself. Okay then. And, because it was Fight Club, there were fights. It was Katchoo vs. Priestly, Daisy vs. Ichigo, Ben vs. Arthur, Annja vs. Elspeth and Daisy vs. Dinah. Leto informed Ghanima that Irulan is on the island and talked to her about what timeline she is from. Annnnnnd Triela and Tyler talk about plans they had made.

Chuck: Oh god, are we done?

Emmett: Indeed we are!

Chuck: Thank [feedback]ing god. I'm out of here before anymore Care Bear moments get thrown at me.

Emmett: I don't blame you. Night, Fandom!