What up, Fandom! It's ya girl Arden Finch here with all the news fit to be written down by drunken squirrels. Which is less than you might think - I don't know if rum bribery is up or if journalistic ambition is down, but here are my small handful of notes for the day.

In School, Modern Kitchen Basics learned about the magic of immersion blenders, Habits of Highly Efficient People was cancelled for an Australian holiday, and Earth Cultures went to a cheese castle and yes, Graham, I can hear the joke you're making already.

No news from the Dorms, but in Town, Professor Vess at the Infinite Consortium received a ransom note and threw it away before being visited by Professor Scientia for his usual lunch-and-redacted-notes. I guess here's hoping the ransom note wasn't important? I guess??? A gremlin picked a fight with a cat and lost at the Magpie Emporium, though not badly enough to require a trip to the Clinic, where Professor James Stark watched the crab play a video game. At Stark Industries, World's Best Intern Kamala - hi, Kams!!! - was bopping along to music. Ew. I hope it was gremlins and not AI - no offense to any fully independent, non-generative AI lifeforms possibly listening to this broadcast, who presumably were not taught using stolen art and don't require truly massive amounts of energy consumption! Pizza Planet showcased an old pizza menu, proving people could not be trusted to cook in the beforetimes. Officer McGarrett found that out when he ordered a Hawaiian with papaya, an English pizza with beans on it, and...oh thank the goddess, a normal pepperoni. Professor Smith saved everyone at Turtle & Canary from Mr. Nahasapeemapetilon's bagpiping, and between the bagpipes and those pizzas at Raiden's, Iiii'm not sure which would be worse.

Actually, I am. Sorry, Raiden.

Professor Argentum was doing paperwork at the Photo Hut to help take the burden off his sick wife - feel better soon, Mrs. Argentum! Ms. Nell brought home a haul from the cheese castle, and Professor Amicitia had to console sad kittens who didn't get any of it. And, Mr. Northman was feeling pinchy at Devil's Nest, possibly due to Mr. Tiny's choice of chapeau.

That's all we've got for you this morning, so this is ya girl Arden Finch reminding you to eat your pizzas, play your bagpipes, and use your AIs responsibly! Here's APT. by ROSÉ and Bruno Mars to get your Tuesday started in style.