SIMMONS: I am perfectly capable of walking on my own without your pushing, you stupid squirrels! I said I'd read your [feedback]-ing news, now stop touching me!

...You can stop touching me too, Donut.

DONUT: Oh, sorry. You should really be more specific.

SIMMONS: Don't touch me, ever. That specific enough for you?

DONUT: Fiiiiiiiine but when you get shot in the head and need CPR don't go complaining to me.

SIMMONS: That doesn't even make sense you stupid idiot!

DONUT: Grif's right, you really need to learn how to control that fiery Latin temper.

SIMMONS: I'M DUTCH-IRISH!

DONUT: Who are you, Jessica Alba? Embrace your Latino side.

SIMMONS: You're going to be embracing my fist with your face if you don't shut up.

DONUT: You know, I thought you were going to go somewhere else with that fist comment.

SIMMONS: I was, but then I was afraid you'd take it as a come on-OW! The back of my head!

DONUT: I think the squirrels want you to try their acorns. Either that or they're pissed you called them stupid.

SIMMONS: Just start reading the news, Donut.



School: Intelligence from Command

DONUT: There's nothing.

SIMMONS: Not surprising as it's Sunday. It's illegal to do anything on Sunday.

DONUT: Except watch football!

SIMMONS: Exactly, Donut.

DONUT: I tried to get a football game going at the base once but they guys weren't having it.

SIMMONS: That's because you said the teams should be divided into thongs and g-strings.

DONUT: So?

SIMMONS: It's supposed to be shirts and skins, Donut!

DONUT: Where's the fun in that? Anyways, onto dorm news! That's sort of like where we live in Blood Gulch except with way more people!

SIMMONS: And these dorms have women. Don't forget women.

DONUT: Psh, chicks. You don't need them.

Dorms: At the Red base

DONUT: Fiona is all moody and pissed so she watches some Top Model to make herself feel better. Hey! That's what I do! Who's excited for the new cycle? I know I am! They're replacing Twiggy with the chick who's married to the guy from The Cars, you know.

SIMMONS: I could give a damn, Donut.

DONUT: Not nice! Johnny happened by and he talked to Fiona about food, models and her completely legal age. Ha, I bet. Women do nothing but lie.

SIMMONS: John is washing his sheets--

DONUT: It's not even Tuesday! Speaking of laundry, I've finally bought clothes to wash so I get to do my laundry!

SIMMONS: I fear for the people in your apartment building.

DONUT: Oh, they'll love it. Maybe we can all do laundry together!

SIMMONS: Shut up, Donut. As I was saying, John was washing his sheets in the laundry room when a treasure hunting fairy comes by. John offers his underwear but she takes his watch instead.

DONUT: I would have taken the underwear.

SIMMONS: ...Gross. Dawn's also there to do laundry. What else would you be doing in a laundry room? She whines to John about Sam's Barbie-tude and other AU wackiness. Been there, done that.

DONUT: You've done a Barbie named Sam?

SIMMONS: No, Donut. I was talking about alternate uni--you know what? It's just easier calling you an idiot. Idiot.

DONUT: Mean! On the fourth floor of the dorms, Amber is tap dancing! Link compliments Amber on her mad skillz and tells Amber that Amber is the name of the girl he has back home. Frank crashes into a chair and Amber is all oh-em-gee and concerned. Then an Amber who isn't tap dancing Amber comes in and critiques tap dancing Amber on her tap dancing skills. Then Amber who's not tap dancing Amber spots Link and they talk about networking, which I think is dirty code for something, and they make plans to perform at Caritas. I'm an excellent dancer. Simmons, remember my dance routine from Sarge's birthday party?

SIMMONS: Ugh...Officer Hotpants.

DONUT: So you do remember!

SIMMONS: How could I forget? The base still smells like baby oil. Moving on to less disturbing things that don't involve short shorts and popping out of cakes, Jenny is making an edible breakfast on the fifth floor. Well, edible is always good.

DONUT: Especially when it comes to underwear!

SIMMONS: Okay, seriously? Stop that. Peter Par..queeg, that's right, introduces himself to Jenny and mentions he's from 400 years ago. Yeah? I'm from 300 years from now. I think I beat you. There's a giant war where religious aliens try to kill us all.

DONUT: Simmons! Spoiler alert!

SIMMONS: Oh, fine. I won't tell them how it ends. Or what happens to Florida. Anyways, Rath, cool name, runs into Allison and thinks she's Lonnie but she's not Lonnie. She's Allison. He wants her to come back with him but she politely declines. Demyx plays the sitar and mopes while Sky gets a frustrating phone call and June sings. Fiona and Johnny are getting dirty and Summer totally cockblocks them.

DONUT: Not cool!

SIMMONS: I agree wholeheartedly. Chaucer stops by Tumnus' room to see if Galahad is there. He isn't. English Peter, not to be confused with any Dutch-Irish or Latino Peters, wonders why Tumnus is in Fandom. Please don't drink the cup of tea in 312. Somebody probably spit in it. Hermione does some online shopping and emos and Ron stops by to boggle at her. Hoshi is drinking some tequila, good girl. And I guess Jasmine and Sen-chan drank too much tequila cause they pass out on his bed. Marco's video game playing is interrupted by AJ and tiny!plastic!Dean and tiny!plastic!Sam watch TV and eat junk food. I wonder if they're related to Grif. Brooke is wishing should magically go home and Coraline is reading when Lucas comes in drunk. He also flashes her. Gross. Ino's not happy to find Tasuki treating her boyfriend's room like it's his. In more not happy news, Savannah is not happy to find an Eve in Eve's room that isn't the Eve she was looking for. Sure, that makes sense. Only, not. Peter Petrelli goes to see Nathan but it's not Nathan it's some other guy and then they fight and then they get outta town. In the literal sense.

DONUT: I bet the other guy was way hotter and more fabulous than Nathan anyways. And Peter was jealous of the fabulousity the other guy had and that's why he beat him up.

SIMMONS: What evidence do you have to back this up?

DONUT: None whatsoever.

SIMMONS: Let's just move on to town news.

Town: Mingling with the Blues

SIMMONS: Mohinder is being creepy and staring at the street while taking notes. Sean is also doing paperwork in his room when Savannah comes by to pout at him about all the crazy people. I don't know, I think Blood Gulch might be weirder than this place. Doogie is having a quiet morning in the clinic. Adah is there in the evening and Brooke limps in. What? You guys have medics here that actually know something about medicine? Color me jealous.

DONUT: Yeah, it'd be nice to have a doctor who prescribes something other than orange juice and aloe vera. It did help clear up this boil I had on my upper thigh though...

SIMMONS: Siiiick. Moving away from that subject. Rain, the person, not the weather is in the police station. She and Cassandra size each other up and have a knife fight or something. Awesome. Leeloo comes in and Rain thinks she's named Alice, which she's not, and Rain comes to the conclusion that Leeloo might have gone crazy.

DONUT: I believe the technical term is cranial insanitosis. Lust and Rain threaten each other and that somehow leads to sex in his office. Bow chicka wow wow!

SIMMONS: You need to stop being captured by the Blues. They're rubbing off on you.

DONUT: I wish!

SIMMONS: ...

DONUT: I mean, who wouldn't want to be like them? They're pretty cool. Chris is getting coffee at the Perk when Christian comes in. Chris thinks Christian is evil but Christian thinks that Chris is mad because he's gay. People here really need to start wearing nametags. Gabriel is reading a trashy romance novel in the church, lowercase "c". Peter Parquah wants to know why Gabriel didn't bring God any food. Oh, we're supposed to feed God now? Crap! Mary comes to church, lowercase "c", to pray. You think Church ever goes to church, Simmons?

SIMMONS: I think people like him just immediately catch fire when they get near holy places.

DONUT: They have cream for that.

SIMMONS: What? That doesn't even make sense. River's drinking coffee in the park. Lola and River dance, River and President Petrelli--

DONUT: Who lacks in fabulousity.

SIMMONS: Whatever. Anyways, him and River discuss politics. Lola and President Petrelli flirt like, and I quote, "mad dogs". Well, if that's not a recipe for a White House scandal then I don't know what is. River meets Frank and she tells him about her spaceship and they dance. Aly and Frank meet and flirt and she tells him what year it is. Is that how the kids flirt these days? Weird. Cassandra spies on River.

DONUT: I'm an awesome spy! Tell them how awesome double-o Donut is, Simmons!

SIMMONS: Yeah, Doo-nut thought the enemy base was the store again and got caught and held hostage.

DONUT: It doesn't sound so awesome when you say it. Doom opened the T&C today and Sky got a grape squishy. Mmmm. Frank tries to float Doom a check but Doom isn't having that. Nuh-uh. War and Deadpool bodyslide into the store and War gets in a fight with Doom. Deadpool eats cheetos while he watched the store get destroyed.

SIMMONS: Okay, he's related to Grif.

DONUT: Padme, Jimmy and Melody are held captive in the Joker's lair. Which totally isn't a tree house. Superman and the Flash discover a mysterious package that leads them to the Joker's lair. Not a tree house at all. The captives think they're saved but then they are but Superman and the Flash come through and save the day for reals. Yaaaaaaaay! Ed and Lust fight in J, GOB, Galahad is roasting teal deer on the beach when a clothed Chaucer and a flying Serafina join him for delicious deer. Asriel is exploring and also comes across this deer feast.

SIMMONS: Simba, a lion, is roaming the park and successfully gets a double-you tee eff look from Coraline. Sora catches up with Simba, Axel and Demyx. Simba thinks both Demyx and Axel smell weird. Rikku is a dirty thief and steals stuff from Demyx. Rikku tells Simba that she's a fairy and Axel is amused that she tried to steal from him. Simba also meets the Scarecrow and wonders why Anakin knows so much about his dad. Lord Asriel is working when Serafina flies by for a chat. Anakin was at the gym earlier and was working out with his lightsaber.

DONUT: Wow! I need to start going to the gym more if that's what's going on! Anders opens up Caritas and has no idea what's going on. That's okay, I don't know what's going on most of the time either. June, Liir, Robin, Link and Lola all sing, since it's a karaoke bar. Fraser is in the lounge, chillin like a villain. Anders assumes Eve is new, he's wrong. He also flips out when he sees pregnant Allison. Pregnant Allison also gets in a fight with Steve. Chicks and their hormones. The fairy thief tries to steal from a pregnant lady. Tommy is happy to find a bar but mistakes Frank for someone he knows.

SIMMONS: It's a recurring theme today.

DONUT: That it is. Robin can't find a mall so she settles for the bar and Anders and Summer compare problems. Well, that's what bars are for. That and picking up strangers who may or may not have an STD. Both Summer and Anders are thrilled that Savannah remembers who they are. What a great thing to celebrate! Yay for not having amnesia! Johnny doesn't know how to act around the girl he slept with. Well, it's definitely not a good idea to go "OH MY GOD COOTIES EWWWWWWW!" Just in case you were thinking about reacting that way. Women don't like that.

SIMMONS: Thanks for the life lesson, Donut. Gwen and Anders talk leather gloves. Anders wails to Sen-Chen that he wants his friend back and Jasmine just assumes that Anders is drunk. Anders assures Frank that this is not madhouse.

DONUT: THIS IS SPARTAAAAAAAAA!

SIMMONS ...

DONUT: ...

SIMMONS: Should I ask?

DONUT: I like gladiator movies. Johnny finally breaks Anders. Right there in public? Wow. Exhibitionist, much? Hoshi hits on Johnny, Giselle and Anders talk pirates and Missy is glad that Caritas doesn't card and gets flirtiness from Jamie. Steve threatens to tell on the underage bartender.

SIMMONS: Narc!

DONUT: Meg and Anders discuss ambrosia, Allison promises Christian that he won't catch the pregnancy and Anders gets hysterical when he sees Christian. I wonder if that means "laughy" hysterical or "I've got the vapors!" hysterical. Anders slurs at June, who promises not to make a fool of herself on stage. Hey, isn't that the girl you woke up with yesterday?

SIMMONS: Yeah, she totally flipped out. I don't know why, I was in my armor.

DONUT: Maybe that's why she was mad. Maybe she thought you didn't think she was cute. Don't worry, June. Simmons never takes off his clothes. He even wears his underwear in the shower.

SIMMONS: I'M SHY! Jeez. Anyways. Charlie is on the prowl for ladies and he talks girls with Link. Who doesn't seem to be too interested in girls since he hits on Anders. Xandir hits on Anders too. Brooke thinks Anders is too young to be a bartender and Anders informs Amber of his booze wheel. Link and Xandir have mutual appreciation of each other and Jimmy wants a picture of Xandir's ears. Ear fetish. That's a new one. And Lola meets Link and Anders. The fairy thief also goes after Jamie's and Meg's pockets. Aly wants to know who Lola's agent is. In more confusion news, Chris thinks Gwen is Bianca, Missy thinks Amber is Torrance, Brooke thinks Charlie is Lucas and Zoe just plain stares at Lola, who doesn't recognize her.

DONUT: And in after the bar news, Kenny crashes for the night and Xandir has a teary confessional. Awwww.



DONUT: I really don't think the squirrels appreciated you calling them stupid earlier, Simmons.

SIMMONS: Why do you say that?

DONUT: I think the glares and the fact they're pointing sharp pencils at you is a giveaway. Oh, and they've been secretly duct taping you to your chair for the whole broadcast.

SIMMONS: WHAT?! Donut, get me out of here!

DONUT: Er, I gotta go...do laundry. Bye!

SIMMONS: It's not even Tuesday! Get back he-OW! The front of my face!

*there's a loud thumping noise and then radio feedback*

[I...don't even have an excuse for this madness. Just accept my deepest apologies]