Er -- hello, and a pleasant evening to you. This is Lieutenant Archie Kennedy with today's log of activity here in Fandom, and doing my part to keep the pirate honest.

*pause* Well, that was the theory anyway. I suspect it's actually far too late for that. Still, appearances to keep up and all. Incidentally, I am not broadcasting to you from a mechanical dog tonight, and if you don't mind I just need a moment to remind myself that what I just said did, in fact, make sense. Right then. Moving on, full speed ahead and all that rot.

*pause again* Look, I'm not going to use that ridiculous phrase again, all right? But I'm sure you were all expecting it. There, now it's out of the way.

Schooling

There is nothing to report in the way of class news today, except that Principal Smith held office hours. For those of you who have never met the principal, believe me when I say that meeting him is most definitely news. This lack of activity is most likely due to the fact that there were no classes today. I hope you lot enjoyed your break -- classes are going to come back with a vengeance in the morning.

In the Crew Berths (If the Hammocks are a'Rocking)

First of all, I'd like to say that I'm sorely disappointed in you all, because no one got into any kind of trouble today. I had a whole speech prepared about how if you were under my command, I'd have had the lot of you troublemakers flogged at the gratings, but that doesn't work very well when there are no disciplinary measures to carry out, does it? It's a moot point anyway, because you're not under my command and never will be, and anyhow I always got passed over in favor of -- right then. Enough of that.

Starting off with the day's despatches. Seems our new Vice-Principal is living up to his title: Kiki was spotted delivering a bottle of vodka to his quarters this morning. What do I have to do to get free deliveries of rum? Or is this an administration perk? Also on Kiki's watch, Yuffie, Peter Parker (not to be confused with the other Parker whose name I am not suicidal enough to repeat, thank you very much), Alphonse, Sydney, and Walter all got presents of varying degrees of usefulness from their Secret Siblings. Angel received a pair of black leather gloves also delivered by Kiki -- I think Bridge Carson might be jealous. Among other deliveries, Jessica, Blair, and Nadia got flowers and chocolate from their Secret Siblings.

Er. If I'm understanding the modern connotation of chocolate and flowers right, I'm very glad this "Sibling" thing is purely figurative.

The second floor common room is still the place to go, but it seems the other floors are starting to consider this serious competition. Cameron Mitchell was feeling generous today and made omelettes for the entire second floor, and Cally reached the conclusion that Vala must be a screamer. I have no idea what this means. I beg you not to tell me.

Not to be outdone, Walter made dinner for the third floor, where earlier in the day he and Alphonse had been discussing magic and, er, alchemy? I really do need to get out of my room more often.

There was no food involved in the fourth floor common room, but I understand toasters were one of the subjects discussed by Yuffie, Isabel, Paige, Allie, and Belthazor. What is it with you people and the toasters, anyhow? Also in the fourth floor common room at some point today, Han was talking to Lana.

Angel, Nadia, Maia, Lana, and Jaye were all down in the pool today. I assume it's still squid-free. Wait, Jaye was there and I missed it? *coughs* Maia and Angel exchanged advice on relationships, Angel gave his Little Brother Blair advice on sex and Belthazor and I do hope those two topics weren't related, Nadia discovered that Angel is a vampire, and Jaye agreed to -- er -- manage Angel's anti-campaign. Yes, I do believe I read that right. My God, you people can't actually have been swimming to be doing that much talking while you were at it. Meanwhile, Kara and Parker had a rather heated sparring match down in the gym. Out on the lawn, Zero, Pippi, and Lily Evans played croquet after a fashion.

In an entirely different kind of exercise, Student Council election activities are still going on. Phoebe, Lana, and Alanna were seen putting campaign posters up around the dorms. And while it's not political campaigning, advice from the bathroom walls was posted for the edification of all in the first floor hallways outside the bathrooms. I suppose one could consider that public service.

While the junior class held their meeting about elections, Zero seemed to be awfully concerned about sex education as part of our curriculum. Believe me, I live below the second floor. All the education you need goes on up there. Just spend a night in the hallway there. Apparently the rest of the junior class seems to think so too, since most of them were more interested in watching Bitterwoman than actually discussing school politics. Ah, apathy. Some things don't change.

The senior class also held a meeting about elections, and I don't know what it says about Angel that he wants so badly to lose. Anakin Skywalker practically had to be pressganged into running, himself. Such enthusiasm, senior class. I'm impressed.

And ladies and gentlemen, if you weren't in the second floor common room tonight, you missed quite the spectacle. My fine pirate friend Barbossa kindly compiled a collection of archrival bootage archival footage of last semester's highlights. I missed out on most of them myself, so it really was quite a treat. Especially because Anders did such a consistent job of humiliating himself all semester long, and I do love a good laugh at his expense.

Down at the clinic tonight, DEATH and Professor Quayle called.

Sundry things happened in student quarters today. Maia acquired a goldfish, which my notes tell me is named Simon, Quinn sent out an email which I'm told was very entertaining, Han had some things to say about his class schedule and the detention he received -- yesterday, so I can't even use my speech about the gratings, damn it all, and Phoebe's class schedule was to her satisfaction. Yes, that's lovely for you. I had to take Driver's Education to fill my third class, and do you have any idea how preposterous that would be anywhere but in Fandom? Edward Elric found his schedule to his liking, Lady Jessica was also pleased with her classes, and it would be terrible of me to reiterate my jealousy. But I'm doing it anyway.

My, my -- Veronica Mars was seen in Jack Harkness's room for a talk about her investigation and Jack's mother, two things that I again dearly hope aren't related. Incidentally, Veronica, I can safely vouch for the fact that he's a hell of a kisser. Just in case you're interested. I'm not sure why my notes are so insistent about the fact that the conversation between Lee and Anakin was a FRIENDLY CHAT, but there you have it, folks. And because you all are a chatty lot, Phoebe received a call from Crowley on that damned telephone thing that I still haven't figured out, and John and Aeryn had a talk about some of the fallout of yesterday's phone snafu before things got a little, er, dirty.

I'd like to note that with my lack of voicemail, I was blessedly exempt from all of this confusion.

Callisto was nervous about her date with Angel -- more on that later. Look, I've seen you naked, Callisto, and there's nothing in that regard to be nervous about, trust me. Kara Thrace had a bad day, which, let's be frank, is not that uncommon around here. Bridge Carson may be in for a bad time of it, since his dog broke the school?

*long pause*

Yes, that is what my notes say, and for once around this place I'm taking it as a figure of speech. Callynanders (and dear God, shoot me now, I can't believe I just used that phrase), on the other hand, had a decidedly good day, and one that is, er, not entirely work safe, I'm led to believe.

Among the faculty, Professor Sidle's office hours were posted, and Professor Dream's class rosters for the semester were posted as well. And that confounded telephone contraption got more use from Doctors House and Wilson.

Shore Leave

Spike's Pub is under new management from Winken, Blinken, and Nod. It's closed for the time being, perhaps until they decide on a new name. And God only knows how many they've already acquired.

Aziraphale's bookshop remained closed today, but Buffy was there to open Jack's Roses and, er, be rather emo about it. She did get a visit from Maia, as well as from Han.

Now, I'm fairly certain that in my time you might have gotten run out of town or worse for this, but today's Mass featured . . . Buddy Christ? I'm fairly certain I don't want to know. Look, you're lucky I'm Church of England, at least nominally, and so can't pass judgment on Catholic services, though my notes say something about CJ eating Jesus and for the sake of my sanity I hope that's a figure of speech. She talked to a girl I'll refer to as Fred, if only because I seem to have conflicting sources here on the spelling of her name, as well as to Deb, about Carl and Yazoo and . . . er, I don't know any of these people.

Give Michael credit for opening the Emporium despite being sick. Pippi paid him a visit, and pays him with quite the impressive bit of gold coin, leaving her with quite a bit of store credit on hand as Michael was unsure of its exact value -- and I say has anyone seen the banker? I am very much not asking what in hell Puss was doing looking for personal hygiene products, and Michael chose not to ask Walter why he bought wire cutters along with the impressive selection of groceries that ended up being the third floor's dinner. Why am I languishing on the first floor, again?

There's a new fellow in town by the name of Weevil. Mind you, I'm used to tapping weevils out of my biscuit in the morning. He seems to be yet another young man in Veronica's long string of male acquaintances, as evidenced by the fact that she showed up to greet him. He brought her dog, Backup, with him, so that's two odd new names in town. I'll try not to hold that against them, though.

Luke's Diner was open, and both Lilly Kane and Allie Cameron were seen having a meal there. Veronica and Weevil were also eating there, and you have no idea how strange that sounds to me. Evidently it was strange to Weevil, too, when he ran into Lilly.

Down at the Perk, CJ prepares for tomorrow's classes with a latte, and Lyta gets a crash course in the dangers of the school cafeteria from Angela.

And finally, thank God, I have two dates to talk about, and neither of them involve Cally and -- you know who. Also at the Perk, Jarod and Rose went on a date identified by my sources as the "cutest date ever." Please, God, someone dethrone those other two. I'm sick of hearing about them.

After Angel picked up a very-much-not-naked Callisto, they went to the Chinese restaurant in town, which was inexplicably popular with everyone else tonight, too. I can't imagine why, really.

Well, that appears to be all in today's logs. And so this is Archie Kennedy, wishing you all a fair wind and clear skies, and good night.