The Vampire Lestat here. Remember me? Perhaps some of you don't, if you're one of our new friends from across the way. What can I tell you about myself that you might not know already? Blond, tall for my time, grey eyes which change color depending on my mood, and of course I'm an utter monster who can't resist devouring the intoxicating thrill of life when I have my fangs punged into a mortal's flesh. Though I could resist. I probably should resist. But where's the fun in that?

*sound of chipmunk squeaking*

Your encouragement means nothing. I've been denied perfectly reasonable pleasures for two nights now. It's enough to make a dishonorable murderer become quite bitter down in his unbeating heart.

*rattle of pages, nervous squeaking*

Ah yes. News. I suppose I should do the right thing and fill everyone in on the events of the day. And what a day it was.

In the deep, dark forest a child named Lee strayed from the path and ran into one of the many kinds of wolves there are to be found on our island. Doesn't he realize that all beauty has a deadly side? It's not called the savage garden for nothing, pretty one.

Speaking of beautifully savage, our friend Darkonda met a precociously engaging lad by the name of Lion-o - good name, there. There was naturally a struggle which ended by the sudden appearance of Lion-o's sword. It seems his sword suddenly appears and changes sizes. How deliciously Freudian. Perhaps even a euphamism. Darkonda, you lucky devil. I hope he was beautiful enough for you.

Elsewhere in the park Lord Vader did battle a Skywalker. Hopefully you have better luck with him than you do with me, Vader. I don't know how many times I have to remind you that I don't need to join you since I am the dark side.

Caedus had the good fortune to reunite with his sister in the park. I'm sure it was passionate. I still remember the kiss I shared with Gabrielle when I saw her again. Love and desire are cosmic things that go beyond petty concepts like the definition of familial flesh, don't you think?

Ahh, speaking of lovely young blondes the fair Fandomite Tahiri also took her luck in the park. Are you still there, child? I could come visit you and prove that my books are real. Except everything after Body Thief which everyone knows were nothing but a DREAM BALLET AND NEVER HAPPENED

Mrs. Lovett's - pardon me as I try not to give in to the urges that come when thinking of the scent of all of that dead blood. It's not pleasurable to this immortal body, dear listeners, and you'll recall I have bad memories. Where was I? Oh yes. Her Emporium was open and our delightfully unfair schoolmisstress Umbridge tried to convince a young man named Ned to eat a pie. You know, I usually have more luck with my young men than that. I could provide tips if you wanted, Dolores.

Over at the Bada Boom - a place, my lovely listeners, which is not cursed with foul-smelling zombies who infect the air with more noise than melody. I think one of them was a Scientologist, if you can imagine such a horror! Regardless, Perdita tempted us all into unspeakable acts - I should visit you later, my dear - and Roy gave into temptation and hit Dick.

Quite the Freudian day for everyone, it seems.

Dick - aha! A Fandom boy. Not that we should interpret anything different about what happened with him and young Roy. Our outgoing Dick met the seductive insanity of Glory. Ah, goddesses. They do such exquisitely horrible things to us men.

On the beach a man named Murdock walked his dog. That's quite pleasant. I do so miss my beloved Mojo.

My own handsome self decided to visit the wax museum. I met a beautiful young man named Tony who's already in a relationshp with a Canadian vampire. Poor boy. It was bad enough for Daniel with Armand. I can't imagine what it's like hearing "eh?" at the end of every whisper purred into the ear.

*chipmunk squeaking*

No, I didn't. He ran off before I had the chance. Quite cruel and unfair in my opinion. It's so hard to be a bloodthirsty murderer when you let blood slip through your hands like so much glittering grains of sand.

*long pause*

*sound of chipmunks squeaking amongst themselves*

*sound of a piece of paper being handed over*

What have we here? 'We'd rather if you didn't, but if you must Howard is expendable."

*sound of a surprised squeak from Howard*

*sound of chipmunks making a break for it*

*sound of Howard not making it that far*

*even less pleasant sounds so suffice it to say it ends with the sound of something being sipped from a wiineglass while no further sounds come from Howard ever again*

Ahh. there we are. It's not human, of course, but it does in a pinch. Now where was I? Ah yes. The news of drama, death-defiance, and derring-do. We have our Tournament, where good and evil duke it out to find out who is better. Of course so many of us are so very good at being very bad. I don't think it is even a contest.

Day One. Our judges are Lady Ghanima, Deathstroke, and the beautiful Tyler who really should let me turn him one of these days. Imagine, all the joy of Louis and none of actually having to listen to him. It's possibly Heaven, if a damned creature like myself had any hope of going there.

Pirates have the honor of going first. Our chipmunks cheer Jack on, loyal creatures that they are. The winner is Jack, which surprises no one who has looked into his beautiful eyes.

Our dear Wendy does battle with theirs. She loses, which is a soul-crushing disappointment for all of us who still posses one. Constantine loses to Jenny Sparks when she drinks him under the table. Now really. You should not be losing competitions that I could have won when I was a mere mortal trying to chase away the suffocating shadows of my own mortality. Shameful.

Ah, here's news to bring even the most depressing of us more cheer. Guy battles it out with Gwynn and is declared the winner. That's much more in the spirit of things. Well done. Come find me if you'd care to celebrate with a fiend.

Regina disappoints us all by losing to someone named Blair. Michael defeats Teyla in a very literal knockout. Did you enjoy the spoils once you were done? You know you can assuage any discomforting feelings of guilt with antique jewels. During this battle, our chipmunks engage in acts of humiliation against the rats with busy tails that Fandom dares to call a research team.

The delightful Caroline delivers a well-spoken and wonderfully accented defeat to Elizabeth, while Windom succeeds against Dale.

*sound of chipmunk squeaks*

No, not your Dale, I don't think.

And there we are, dearest listeners. I have no more tales to tell to you tonight. We close on this first day with our dear island ahead 5-3. If this trend keeps up our victory will be so easy I'll almost feel sorry for them.

Which reminds me, I need to visit again. I'm tired of this chipmunk and there are so many new mortals that I could be playing with. I was told I shouldn't, but you know how I am with rules.

Sleep well. Know that I am thinking of you. Be sure to shout my name tomorrow when I take the stage. I do love that so.

Good night!

[ooc: Same as Jack's broadcast. For funsies. Only those on Nemesis Island can hear it. MWAHAHAHAHA.]