FAITHFUL: "I can't believe I got talked into this."

DAWN: *whispers* "I can. Thanks for coming. I owe you tuna." *louder* "Hi, Fandom! You get replacement people tonight, because Weiss is off being Elvis and eating fried peanut butter and banana sandwiches in front of the adoring Vegas masses. Never fear, though, because Faithful and I are here to make sure no one suddenly gets lost in the confusion that was...oh, right, very little happening today."

FAITHFUL: "I would like to point out that this is the third time in the past week that I've done radio. I would also like to point out that I don't shed!"

DAWN: "So the cat hair all over the broadcasting equipment is from...what, exactly?"

FAITHFUL: "That's not cair hat! Cat hair!"

DAWN: "Then the squirrels really need haircuts. All I'm saying."

FAITHFUL: "Exactly!"

DAWN: "And now I'm imagining a little squirrel barber chair...awww."

FAITHFUL: "With a little orange sauce on the side...."

DAWN: "Ewwwwww."

FAITHFUL: "What?"

WHAT THE HECK HAPPENED TO A CLASSLESS SOCIETY?

DAWN: *clears throat* Soooo. There were classes. Health learned about STDs and paired up to try out, er, discuss! I totally meant discuss, I swear, their favorite method of preventing them. And, um, if you have one that's particularly effective, other than abstinence, could you please leave a note at the radio station or something?

FAITHFUL: "Ask Alanna. I'm actually serious on this one. Constant Vigilance learns about desks. And Daleks. Prophecy does tea readings. At least they didn't have a quiz. And then, oh this is good, Aziraphale gave out Pageant assignments. I'm going to be over here, laughing really hard. And repeating my comment about asking Alanna."

DAWN: "Hey! I'm in that class. You have to come--Dean and Blair are doing the choreography. It should be something to see. Oh, my god, people went to the cafeteria for lunch? I didn't know we even had a cafeteria. Anyway, Walter and Nadia were there, talking about Dr. Wilson, and Walter and Pippi planned something. In much more masculine and not at all cute news, Cute Sam (okay, maybe a little cute, but it's his sanctioned nickname) opened the library and Dean showed up to bother him.

FAITHFUL: "Go Dean! I completely support bothering people. For instance, people who bothered Alanna during Student Council this morning. They were very boring.

DAWN: "Doesn't that kind of go with the whole Student Council territory? And, um, I apologize to anyone I just offended with my last comment. Student Council is a wonderful organization and you all work very hard because people like me are lazy. And now that I've yanked my foot out of my mouth, there were also office hours: in the office, and wow, shocker there, and Professor Poppins has tea in her garden and gets a visitor, who I'm sure was practically perfect in every way....I have no idea why I just said that.

FAITHFUL: "Because you're weird?"

DAWN: "Do you really want to annoy the person who can work the can opener?"

DORMS: WHERE "THE PEOPLE" LIVE.

FAITHFUL: "You're not the only one who can work a can opener. For instance, Tyler. Who can also lift weights, but that's a lot less important. Also in the gym, one of the many Peters informs Tyler that Marie isn't back yet. And in other fascinating news, Jack is sitting on the couch. I'm sitting on a chair. Does anyone care either way? Parker tells him about Seely and he tells her about Blair and River and then he tells Blair about why Jack kissed River. Wait. I'm confused. Why is Jack talking to himself? Actually, don't bother. There's a ton of other notes."

DAWN: "Forget what I said earlier. Weiss owes you tuna. And he owes me chocolate, which you can't have because you may be snarky, but that's no reason to kill you. Back in the dorms, Sam, and I'm assuming it's not my Sam based on the rest of the notes, and Cam talk about scientific stuff, Jamie heads out of town, Door writes in her journal until Cally shows up and they talk about singing appliances, Jude sleeps until Ranma shows up to apologize, Chad sends e-mails, Setsuna tells Ranma about the letter she just got from home, Aeryn and my Hunting partner talk and Aeryn tells him he's oh-so-cute, and I have a hard time believing Aeryn used the word "cute" in a sentence unless she's talking about a weapon of some kind, and Bel and Phoebe were snuggly this morning. Awwww. And congratulations to Bel for being snuggly with the right person!

FAITHFUL: "And that's it for dorms. You people were oddly quiet tonight. Oh. Right. The town. At least you're doing something right on a Friday night."

DAWN: "Except for those of us who are owed alcohol--not that I drink alcohol, Giles, if you're listening, but it's standard coinage here at the radio station--for doing this instead."

TOWN: WHERE "THE MAN" LIVES

FAITHFUL: *snort* "I'm sure he believed that. Our local band, Teal Dear performs at Caritas tonight. GOB tests out his new drink on Jane and Zack. And Teddy tries it voluntarily. It was nice knowing you. Peter Parker and Billy are smart and refuse to try his concoction. Zack meets a woman at the bar. Eeeew. Chad talks to Teddy. Jude is bummed. Wow, that was so normal it was almost boring."

DAWN: "Speaking of boring, and the dance club I used to be able to get into and can't anymore, or, y'know, Devil's Nest, the amazingly awesome Sister Rosette the red lollipop fan shows up, as does Pippi, temporarily, anyway, and Eliot meets a girl, but no word on whether they went home together. And...wow...lots of horndogging going on in town tonight--Jack went for a walk with a girl he met on the docks, Jarod helped out a lost girl who wandered into the Sin, and Alec goes running and ends up with a girl. And, oh, wow. Yikes squared on that. Another new girl shows up and invites Daisy to a party. Another new girl? Is there a convention in town or something?

FAITHFUL: "Probably, since there's a ton of new people in the remaining notes too. I love how they tell us about these things ahead of time. Except the upcoming Teal Dear concert. That had no new people. Actually, most of my batch don't have new people. Jude explain drama to Lana. What goes on here everyday. Clark tells Lana about his mother. That's a tragedy. Wilson talks with Aziraphale and then to Blair about boykissy. That's comedy. Jim tells Wilson about his concerns about Lana. That's drama again. And we're back at comedy when Evie shows a new girl the church."

DAWN: "Some guy named Yitzhak opened Luke's Diner and Willow stopped by to grab a sandwich and show one of the multitude of new girls around, Kaylee opened Empire Records, Sister Rosette the Awesome is sick at church, awwww, feel better, Cafe Fina is decorated for Christmas, because being 24 days early is just classier than having decorations up 25 days early, I guess, Aiden--and who the heck is Aiden?--opens her business and Billy stops by, a woman flirts Dr. Venture--and who the heck is that?--away from his business, Leo--and darn it, I don't know him either!--gets a hot visitor at the Photo Hut, but the notes don't say whether she's good looking, or just dressed too warmly for the weather. Oh, yeah, and All and Sundries was open.

FAITHFUL: "New people travel in packs. Phoebe and Lana meet one. Blair meets another and so does Conner. There is a duck at the pond. I love it when people tell me where I can find dinner. Summer and Naomi help two of the new girls find their way home. So does Broots. And apparently the world is going to end since he left behind his laptop."

DAWN: Professor Gilmore took her son out for a walk and ran into a new girl. Er, hopefully not literally, because that can hurt. The twins help a new teacher move, and Sam W met a new girl and helped her out. Hopefully right out of the park and back onto whatever skankified bus or car or mule or boat brought her to this town. Er, not that I'm jealous or anything.

FAITHFUL: "Of course not. And I'm not rolling my eyes. Are we done?"

DAWN: "Yes, we're done. And if you're not careful, they'll stick that way. Good night, Fandom!"

FAITHFUL: "Night Fandom!"